Now it came to pass that the HBB had once again completed his yearly sojourn at the college and behold, he was prepared to make his departure, that he might return home, and dwell among his own people.

But, he had yet two things which he must needs do, the first being that he should visit a young man with whom he had previously labored in the vineyards of Fast Food, for lo, he desired that he might be an Influence upon him and a Witness, and might lead him to the Lord. The second was but a small errand, for he must needs return books to the library, ere he undertook his homeward journey.

Therefore, he went unto the young man, for it was the Appointed Day that they should meet, the fellow having sent a Text Message unto the HBB saying, “Behold, let us hang out together ere thou wendest thy way homeward, for lo, it hath been many days since I hath seen thee and so on.” And the HBB hadst agreed and now the day they had set had arrived.

The HBB therefore entered into the house and spake to the fellow, and they played Scrabble and had fellowship, and the young man was friendly as he always had been unto the HBB, and things were social and relaxed. And the HBB thought nothing of the possibility of such events as should shortly transpire.

And it came to pass that when the game was finished, the young man spake unto the HBB saying, “Thus and thus have I done, and lo, I art involved in such and such.” And told him of what things he had been doing.

And the HBB held his peace, for behold, the things of which the fellow spake were sin, and things which were such as should not be done.

And the fellow continued, and spake saying, “Furthermore, I have done so and so, and I know thou disagreest, but these all things have I done, and art pleased with the path wherein I have set my feet.”

Then the HBB opened his mouth and spake unto him, saying, “It is not what I say unto thee, but what the Word of God saith. For behold, the Bible doth call these things that thou doest sin, and lo, the path thereof leadeth to destruction, and if thou turnest not away, thou shalt find thyself in Hell. Yea, I hath always treated thee friendly and hath never acted holier than thou, but always kind as a Christian ought to. (For the HBB was careful of his testimony in the workplace.) “Therefore,” said the HBB, “because I am thy friend I tell thee these things, that thou shalt find that the path thou art on shall not satisfy, but shall end in emptiness and misery besides, and what’s more, thou shalt not be happy. But I would have thee to know that Jesus Christ doth satisfy, for He is the Answer.” These things spake the HBB unto the young man.

And he spake further saying, “Let me depart, I pray thee, and go unto mine own place, for the journey before me is long and I have yet one stop to make, namely at the library that I may return my book which I have borrowed.”

And the young man besought him, saying “Return hither, I pray thee. And stop back in after thy errand is complete, for I have a going-away present which I greatly desire to give thee, but it is not yet ready.”

(Now had the HBB been wise and prudent and known what was good for him, and had he known what manner of gift the young man sought to give him, he should have said unto him, “I need thy going-away present like I need a hole in my head.” (As thou shalt see.))

And the HBB returned unto the house after he had taken his errand, and sat him down upon the couch with his back toward the hall door. For the young man said unto him, “Be seated, I pray thee, for I have sought, but cannot find thy present.”

And he said, “I think I have left it in the other room, let me get it.” And the HBB felt impatient, for he really did need to leave inasmuch the time was grew yet later and later. And as he thought thus, the HBB felt a hard, sharp blow to the top of his head. And he thought within himself, “This guy hath taken a bowling ball and dropped it on my head.” (For some people do dumb things like that, and think it’s funny.) And the HBB turned him about, thinking, “What’s up with that?”

And behold, the look upon the young man’s face was cold and he had an hammer in his hand and the HBB perceived that he had been smitten with it. For he felt blood running down the back of his neck. And the HBB thought within himself, “This guy meaneth to kill me, and lo, he hath made a good start already! Yea, he hath lured me here that he might dispatch me forthwith.”

And he rose up to flee, and as he rose the young man smote him yet a second time, and hit him upon the right cheek, and the HBB saw blood fall from his face to the ground. And he thought, “I shalt lose some teeth through this.” (For he planned to get out alive and take his teeth with him.) And the HBB cried out, saying with a loud voice, “In the Name of Jesus, Stop! In the Name of Jesus, Stop!” And he called upon the Name of the Lord. And he sought to take the hammer from the young man’s hands and tried to escape from before his face. And when the HBB rushed forth, he pushed the young man backward onto the couch and he fell, and lo, he grabbed the HBB’s shirt, that he might hold him from escaping even yet. But the HBB jerked away and every button was ripped from the shirt, and the HBB spun him about and ran into the hallway, bleeding profusely, for his head was badly gashed, and likewise his cheek.

And the HBB grappled with the young man in the hallway and didst take the hammer from his hand and cast it to the ground, and he ran from the house, bleeding and scared.

And the young man followed him, and apologized profusely, for he was scared of what he had done, and he said, “Thou art always happy, and my life is full of pain, and I wanted thee to feel my pain. And I wilt pay for thy medical bills. (Which thing might be true, but only if he is convicted of felonious assault and forced to pay restitution.)” (But unto his friends at Wendy’s, the young man said, “Behold, the HBB did say unto me that I was going to hell, and didst harp upon it constantly until I grew angry and smote him. Which thing was not true. For the HBB had harped not, but said it only once.) And the HBB didst pray for the young man before he left. But he prayed with his eyes open.

And he drave his car back to the school where he received medical help from his friends, Mr. and Mrs. Victor Sanders. And they took him to the Police station, and behold the cops were wroth, and said that the young man would be charged with felonious assault, yea perhaps even attempted murder. Yet, let no one think that the HBB pressed charges, for the cops said, “It is not for thee to press charges, for he hath committed an felony and he shalt be charged by the state.”

And at the hospital, the HBB was given X-rays of his arm, (for at some point, which he could not recall, he got hit on the elbow) and a CAT scan of his head, and he had seven staples put in the top of his head and four stitches put into his cheek.

And he witnessed unto they who were in the hospital, and told them of the wonderous grace of the Lord. And his friends did call him and send him text messages and pray for him, and he thought within himself that he knew some of the most excellent people in the world. And he was blessed to call them his friends.

Now behold, these are some truths which can be gleaned for the Beachy Complex readers.

1. The HBB has a really hard head.

2. The HBB has had his head examined.

4. Getting hit with a hammer isn’t funny, but it can leave you in stitches. (Rim shot.)

5. The HBB does believe in reaching out to sinners.

6. Nonresistance really does work.

7. When you find yourself in that type of situation, the grace of God seems to take over.

8. We live in a crazy world, and it pays to be careful in outreach.

9. The HBB has some of the best friends in the whole world.

10. The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him and delivereth them.

Regards to all and a special thanks to all my wonderful friends who prayed for me and sent me Emails and encouraging text messages,

HBB

(Now, I must needs digress from this story and deal with a pertinent topic at hand. For behold the rumor hath come to my ears that there are girls, indeed even Beachy girls who say within themselves that if the hair is under the covering that a little trimming is permissible, for verily, “I hath split ends (whatever those are), or I hath some other need which requireth the removal of my hair, which God hath said I ought not to cut, for I am not actually cutting, but rather trimming.”  (Which is a pretty flimsy argument, since cutting and trimming are pretty much the same thing, and if you don’t believe me, just try “trimming” the first inch or so off your finger.) According to my calculations, there are only about three reasons for the removal of hair from a female’s head. 1) If it is growing on the chin. (This hair is given for the purpose of sex distinction, and belongs on men only; (in fact there are those who would say that this hair is MANDATORY for men, and that wearing it is one of the most BIBLICAL things you can do, but that’s a whole other subject) 2) If you are the victim of cancer, in which case you will not care about split ends, you will be glad you have ends to split; 3) If it is wrapped up in a PTO shaft or around a railroad track or some other such encumbrance which causes your life to be in jeopardy, and thus requires the speedy removal of your tresses.) But that is just a side note, and I may be misinformed, and for once, I hope I am wrong.

Nevertheless, Goldilocks, who did all these worldly things, decided that she wanted to go to church. Now in the forest in which she dwelt, there were three churches. Namely, the Charity Church, (which went by the name of Forest Christian Community Church) (for they never call themselves Charity churches, even when they are, because that would make them a denomination, and for some incomprehensible reason, that’s bad…) The second church was the Verdant Forest Running Creek Rocky Hill Conservative Mennonite Church, (for some reason, conservative Mennonite churches are always named after the local scenery, and the third church in the forest was the Forest Beachy Amish Mennonite Church, (which is exactly what it was)

And Goldilocks went into the Forest and looked about and behold! She saw the sign for the Verdant Forest Running Creek Rocky Hill Conservative Mennonite Church, and since she liked the name, she thought she’d give it a try.

And as she entered the church, she was met at the door by a stern looking man, who looked upon her worldly clothes with a narrowed eye. And he led her into the auditorium, where she took a seat in the back pew, where little children turned and stared at her, until their parents pinched them and made them watch the preacher (Which was kind of sad, because watching Goldilocks was a lot more interesting). And it seemed to her that the church was exceeding stiff and starchy; and when the service was over, she found that she had nothing in common with the women, for they spoke of gardens, and canning, and child-rearing, and other such subjects, and all that Goldilocks had knowledge of was make-up and jewelry and fads and TV shows and country music. And Goldilocks left the Verdant Forest Running Creek Rocky Hill Conservative Mennonite Church and she was not pleased, because it was too hard.

And she looked about and behold, she saw the Charity church, or rather, the Forest Christian Church (they seldom admit to being Charity)  and she decided to attend that church next Sunday.

And behold, on the following Sunday, she found a seat in the back of the Charity Forest Christian Church. And they accepted her just the way she was, and they smiled at her and gushed over how glad they were to see her. And she attended the church for some time, until she discovered that although she was accepted the way she was, she didn’t really have a lot in common with those people either, and they didn’t do much to help her fit in. (There is a reason for that, but I’m not going to tell you what it is, because I will get a lot of angry comments if I do.) And she thought to herself, “This church is too soft.” And she decided to try the Forest Amish Mennonite Church, just to see if they’d be just right.

And on the following Sunday, Goldilocks walked into the Beachy church. And behold, all the Beachy’s were friendly to her and treated her kindly, (she didn’t have any children for the Beachy children to pick on) and she was pleased. And she found that the girls knew something of make-up, and a little about jewelry, and quite a bit about fads. The only TV shows they knew about were the ones that were old enough to appear on DVD, but hey, she liked the Dukes of Hazzard, and she was crazy about Bonanza, so that was fine.  But what Goldilocks found out that what they really had a handle on was country music. For these Beachy’s could tell who sang “Long Black Train” and who sang “How Do You Like Me Now?”  (And I bet almost every Beachy reading this post can too.) In fact, when one of the girls referred to the song regarding exactly what series of steps a young man must perform in order to procure a female companion in this municipality, she knew exactly what they were talking about.  And she found that she could hang out with the young people without having to join the church, which was really cool.

And Goldilocks was sure that the Beachy church was “just right.”

And why have our young people drinking up the lies of the world in heathenistic games like Clue, the Game of Life, Mouse Trap, and Monopoly? Now there are a new series of games just for Beachys (and aberrant Amish)!

The first game to be released is Beachyopoly. The object of the game is to gain bishop oversight of as many influential Beachy churches as possible, then jack up the tithe demands and smack Sunday visitors with the fees, or else a guilt trip. Build storage barns and affluent custom-built starter-castles for your members and charge even more in tithes. But watch your step in the house of the Lord, or you may end up being put on proving! To win, force your opponents’ churches out of a ministry and claim oversight over the churches, then clean out their stash of cash and put them under the deacon’s debt management program to recover from the financial catastrophe.

Click the pictures below for a larger version.

The comic can be viewed by clicking or downloading the link below. The comic is in pdf (Adobe Acrobat) format, and requires an Adobe Reader or similar product to view.

CLICK HERE: Super Beachy Episode 4: The Exile

There is a folly under the sun,

And an error before mine eyes,

For behold, there are those which speak,

Yet understand not,

And they which act,

but know not why.

For they look upon the things which they have allowed,

And behold the things which they have permitted,

Such things as VCR’s or DVD’s.

And they say within themselves,

Verily, we shall remove these things from our home,

for they sap our time,

And do fill the minds of our children with mush. Selah.

And furthermore, we have begun to watch things upon them,

and to view things with our eyes,

that please not God,

but which are rather ungodly. Selah.

Behold, they say, we shall remove them from before our eyes,

And shalt rid them from our home.

Which thing is good.

Yet, say they, shall we keep our preaching videos,

And educational videos, as well as our old family videos. Selah.

And realize not, nor comprehend

that it was those self-same things

which originally opened the door.

For behold, they bought the VCR and DVD player

That they might watch preaching videos

and might behold family movies. Selah.

Think they that the path shall surely be different the second time?

Think they not that other videos shall creep in again,

As they did aforetime?

Nay, for they are deceived, and comprehend not at all,

For otherwise they should make a clean break. Selah.

Behold, be not like unto them,

For if thou art ensnared by some habit,

And enslaved by some desire,

Remove it from thee and lock the door,

Cast it away, remove it from thee.

That thou mayest be free,

And not brought again under the same old bondage,

That thou mayest rejoice,

And not have grief. Amen.

Their sorrows shall be multiplied,

that hasten after another church.

That say within themselves,

This way is not the way of life,

and this path is one of bondage.

Which bite at the bit,

and chafe under the bridle. Selah.

They shall seek freedom,

but shall find prison,

they shall seek direction,

but they shall lose their way.

For they have rejected the path of their father

And forsaken the law of their mother

And have disdained to follow in the safe paths

Which have been laid down for them

By wiser minds than they. Selah.

For behold, they look upon other churches

and consider,

and say within themselves,

They are Christians, and do such things,

Yea, they love God, and allow such activities.

And professing to understand,

They stumble

And thinking they comprehend,

They do err.

For they are as a ship,

which hath no anchor.

And they are as a boat,

which hath no mooring line.

The tides come in,

and they do drift,

And know not whither they go.

For behold, they are cut off from what they once held. Selah.

But blessed are they which seek safety,

And happy are they which stay close to home.

For they shall not lose their way. Amen.

Behold, the sacredness of this day;

Consider the holiness of this moment.

For this day we take our vows,

And at this time we do enter into covenant.

We confess before God and Man,

We affirm before sacred witnesses,

That we belong to God.

We confess our belief, our faith, our hope;

We pledge our allegiance, our honor, our lives

to the cause of Him who died for us.

We avow our loyalty to the visible church,

to a local body of believers,

and in our covenant, we become one with them

And they with us.

We renounce our plans,

And embrace God’s will,

We renounce the world,

And embrace the church,

We renounce sin,

And embrace holiness,

We renounce ourselves,

And embrace Jesus Christ.

The water poured upon our heads

Symbolizes the washing of our souls from sin;

And represents the outpouring

Of the Blessed Holy Ghost.

And upon our confession of faith,

And through the baptism of water;

We are joined into the church of Christ,

Outside of which there is no salvation,

Just as there is no life for a severed limb.

May we remember this sacred day forever,

Its sacred vows,

Its holy rites,

And by the grace of God,

We shall be faithful to Him and to His Church

Unto death.  Amen.

My heart thinketh and considereth the past,

And my spirit is moved within me.

Blessed be the heritage of my descent,

and the ancestry from which I am born.

For my legacy is a precious one,

yea, it is more valuable than much gold or silver.

For I am come from a line of people

that gave their lives for the Gospel,

and art descended from a church

That sealed its witness with blood. Selah.

Behold, how glorious is this inheritance!

and how precious is this endowment.

Yet I look and behold, and my heart is grieved

For behold, my people, they were born in fire,

Yet their hearts are as water.

Yea, their fathers were tempered like as steel,

Yet their backbones are as wax.

My fathers separated themselves from the world

and laid down their lives,

yet they obtained eternal life.

But their children are joined to the world,

and their hearts follow after its ways.

Behold, the church of my fathers is no more,

And its spirit of devotion fadeth. Selah.

Yet they say within themselves,

Are we not Anabaptists?

Did not our fathers’ blood flow for our faith?

Yet realize they not that if they were sons of the Anabaptists,

that they too should be separate from the evil world?

And know they not that if they were truly children of the faith

that they should free from its entanglements?

For they honor this faith and this heritage with their lips,

Yet their lives embrace not the truth,

Nor their actions its paths of sacrifice.

Up, O Israel! Arise, O Jacob, thou beloved of the Lord!

For thou art His church,

And thy people his chosen vessels,

And forget not the paths of thy fathers,

But reject the world,

Scorning the price,

And stand separate from its entrapment,

And touch not the unclean thing,

but honor the faith of thy fathers,

Thy holy forefathers who died to preserve its truth.

Amen.

To the nominal Christian, upon the canonical Pfalme 117

1. O praise the LORD for five minutes in the morning, all ye Beachy people, praise him very quickly!
2. For his merciful kindness is great and pardonable toward our slackness and disinterest: and the trueth of the LORD endureth much longer than my half a chapter Bible reading a day, yea, even longer than the laborious one-year Bible reading I did long ago. Praise ye the LORD. Selah, okay, gotta run.

Blessed and happy are they who train their children aright,

Who knoweth when to use the rod and beateth them good and proper. Selah

Blessed are they who knoweth that spanking is not a cure-all but rather a tool,

And manage their children by love and not by force. Selah.

Alas, but they are few!

For the unwise parents, behold! they are an great multitude,

And their numbers as the sands of the sea.

I see them and their children at church,

I behold their conduct and art appalled. Selah.

For the children thereof scream and art unruly.

Behold, they wriggle in church and fuss most shamefully,

Yet are they not disciplined by their father;

Neither chastened by their mother. Selah.

Neither stoppeth their lawless conduct after service,

For behold, they do race about the church,

Like as though it were a circus;

And shout as it were an carnival;

Yet do not their parents restrain them,

Nor cause them to cease.

And if thou believest that it only goeth on at church,

Thou art deceived,

And thy common sense is far from thee.

For in the homes also, the children art in control;

And do run things, and do cause the parents to live

according to their children’s will. Selah.

And the parents do go along with the plan,

For they have no backbone;

And submit to the situation,

For they have no guts;

And realize not that the end thereof is the ways of death. Selah.

For the parents are foolish,

And realize not that the seeds of rebellion

are planted by their own hands,

and that the saplings of wickness

watered by their own fingers. Selah.

And behold, in the latter days,

When the youth do take their own path,

Nor hearken unto the voice of their parents,

Neither of the church, nor yet of God,

Still yet they wonder, Why.

And question the cause as to How.

Yet realize they not that they art the cause;

For they refrained from the rod;

And that they art much to blame,

For they knew not how to say, “No.”

Blessed are they which do raise their children in godly fear;

For they shall prosper,

and their children shall be a joy unto them

And not a grief. Amen.