'Uncategorized' Category
SEQUEL: You Might Be a Beachy If…
You think the “King of Funk” wrote the Harmonia Sacra.
The primary draw to the public library are the DVDs.
You can make five pies with the amount of fruit it takes to make one pie thanks to the miracle of gelatin-based substitutes.
You are the only Americans concerned that the Amish might not be real Christians.
You think [...]The Lord of the Strings: Part I
Now it came to pass that at the end of the Third Age of the Beachys, that the ancient power that had slept so long began to waken itself and to stretch forth to grasp world in its dark hands. And in the conservative strongholds that lay in the mountains of the South, the Dark Bishop awoke [...]
Top Five/Bottom Five List
Top Five…
Most Welcome Church Phone Hotlines/Relays for Youth
5. The snack location after hospital singing tonight has been changed. Instead of going to Gideon Nislys’, we will be going to Ruby Tuesdays’.
4. Church will be canceled this evening due to sickness/travel conditions/bad weather/good weather/another church 60 miles away having a service.
3. Church will be canceled this [...]Applications now being accepted for…
Miss Calvary Bible School 2010
Rising up to praise the inner beauty of our young ladies
Attention ladies! Who will be our virtuous woman this year? Do you have what it takes to compete in this year’s Calvary Bible School Inner Beauty Pageant? Do you shun the vanities of flirty and flaunty wifey preemies?
If so, please check [...]The Maiden
A note to Discerning Beachys:
At long last, the HBB returns to bring the faithful Beachy Complex Community another piece of fine Beachy Literature. Lest anyone think otherwise, this story told in poetic form is a product of the author’s imagination. Although it is told in the first person, this did not happen to me, or [...]New Beachy Book on Sale!!
Coming soon to a Choice Books rack near you! It’s the book that’s been getting rave reviews and will change the way you think about the Beachy church forever! You won’t want to miss The Shed.
Disillusioned by a church split, John Miller is contemplating joining a Charity church, when he receives a cryptic text message [...]Another Beachy Fairy Tale
And many days passed upon the Beachy Complex, yea, many suns rose and set over its electronic glow, but there was no new post, nay, nothing to make the readers thereof chortle with glee.
Yea, verily, so much time passed that www.birdinhandnews.com was resurrected before the astonished eyes of Beachydom, and the HBB spake in his [...]Board Game #2: The Game of Beachy Life
Directions:
Beachy Life is a family game only, not to be played at unsupervised youth activities.
For 2 to 6 Beachys (no Mennonites!)
OBJECT: Collect money and BEACHY LIFE Tiles, and store up the most treasures on earth and heaven by retirement (or semi-retirement, whatever you want to call it).
BEACHY LIFE TILES
Each BEACHY LIFE Tile carries a [...]Breaking News from the Beachy Complex Globe
4/16/09: UPDATE: GREAT JUMPING CATFISH! HE’S ACTUALLY GOT THAT VESSEL IN THE AIR! Skeptics predict the ship is using too much fuel and will run out in the near future. We’ve sure got our figners crossed, though. http://www.BirdInHandNews.com/
BirdInHandNews.com has recently broken a new record for relaunching the same web craft 1,000 times! The phenomenal accomplishment [...]A Historical Occasion
Note to Discerning Beachys: I have long suspected that the influence of the Beachy church has spread far and wide throughout the ages. Recently, I became more certain of this fact when I found that Columbus attempted to gain funding for his sailing project in France before he attempted and gained it in Spain. Historians [...]
Beachy Complex Christmas Special
No surprise was expected on the Sunday before Christmas, not even to the moment of the people’s sudden 9:28am arrival time. Yet as the members slid into the pews, their eyes shot straight to the front of the church house. Hanging directly over the pulpit, just out of reach, was a piece of greenery. Active [...]
A New Parable
Note to discerning Beachys:
I give the credit for this parable to a Discerning Beachy Reader, who Emailed a story for submission. After taking editorial liberties, I have offered it to the Beachy Complex Community for thier enjoyment.
This post is a work of fiction, all resemblance to actual persons living or dead is entirely concidental. (For [...]Beachy/Modern English Translation Guide
In that Beachys have develoepd a language that is unique from mainstream English, it has become important for Beachys, non-Beachys, and NMBs (those audacious souls who try to be Beachys but really aren’t) to take extra time to try to understand each other, so as to avoid personal offenses which seem to come more easily [...]
The HBB Returns
And it came to pass that the conscience of the HBB smote him sore, for he had left off posting. And he thought within himself, “Dost thou leave off posting simply because some people gripe about what thou sayest? Thou doest not well.” (Yet, he ceased not to post for that reason alone, for there [...]
C. Here Am I, There They Go (Apocryphal Beachy Saga)
This installment of the Apocryphal Beachy Saga is based on a similar story in 1 Sam King 2:12-36
And the child Samuel ministered unto the Lord before Eli: and the word of the Lord was precious in those days, as people’s personal devotions were only five minutes long, if that.
And it came to pass at that [...]A Beachy Fairy Tale Continued: The Long Awaited Sequel to the Goldilocks Tale
Six months passed at the Forest Amish Mennonite Church after Goldilocks had begun attending, and during those six months she started to change, because she desired to do what was right and all. So she began to wear dresses instead of pants and she stopped cutting her hair (except, of course, for trimming her split [...]
B. The Uncoolest of the Uncool (Apocryphal Beachy Saga)
Note: No specific individuals, groups, or churches are intended to be represented in this ongoing series. The story is purely conceptual with merely general representations.
This installment of the Apocryphal Beachy Saga is based on a similar story in 1 Sam King 2:12-36
Now the sons of Bishop Eli were the sons of Sport and the goddess [...]A. For this child I prayed (Apocryphal Beachy Saga)
This continuation of the Beachy Saga is brought to you by Sven Svendsen, and is taken from the passage in 1 Sam King 1-2:11
And in those days, there were ministers and deacons and traveling committees of bishops in the Land of the Beachys, and all Beachys did that which was right in their own eyes.
Now [...]Beachy Art Gallery: “Hooked on the Hanging Veil”
CLICK DRAWING TO SEE FULL SIZE
In this revolutionary 21st century artistic rendering of the hanging veil, the sketch artist portrays this Anabaptist pop-culture icon in the vain of Andy Warhol but with the surrealist imagery of Salvador Dali, though the artist denies any “borrowed” material.
But the approach is unique. While deragatory titles abound for our [...]An Entirely True Story From the Life of the HBB
Note to Discerning Beachys: Everything in the story below is absolutely true. It occurred on May 19, 2008. I have a small scar on my right cheek which I will carry as a reminder of this event for the rest of my life. I thought that the Complex would be edified by this story, so [...]
