In that Beachys have develoepd a language that is unique from mainstream English, it has become important for Beachys, non-Beachys, and NMBs (those audacious souls who try to be Beachys but really aren’t) to take extra time to try to understand each other, so as to avoid personal offenses which seem to come more easily when one is a Christian, either that or easily offended people seem to have a natural propensity for joining churches.

Beachys recognize this challenge in the 21st century. While Beachys try to reduce communication problems by increasing actual communication, the newly formed Beachy International Complex Kin and English-speaking Rivals, inc. (BICKER) realizes that to put a fire out, you don’t keep lighting matches. Instead, you have to use the right tools. And BICKER has just the tool: a Beachy-speak / American-speak dictionary and phrase guide. It is designed to fit conveniently in your pocket for handy use, whether during visitations, at church, on the job, or just sitting on the privy with nothing else to do.

Designed for Beachys trying to figure out non-Beachys, as well as non-Beachys trying to figure out Beachys, it contrasts the natural bluntness of Americans today with the Beachy’s tendancy to completely understate something to avoid any possible offense while leaving room for much ambiguity. We are giving you a sneak preview into this new publication to prove to you its invaluable usefulness:

    Beachys trying to interpret what a non-Beachy or NMB says

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Non-Beachy sez: Okay, everyone, come here and eat before it gets cold!
Misinterpretation: Move it, you sluggish cattle, or you’ll ruin the good meal I labored over.
Correct interpretation: Dinner is ready. Please come to the table.
In the Beachy tongue: The dinner may be ready whenever you all would like.
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Non-Beachy sez: (to the opposite sex) Hey, you want to hang out this weekend?
Misinterpretation: I’ve been stalking you and am trying to abduct you.
Correct interpretation: Would you like to go on a date?
In the Beachy tongue: Would you join me in praying and fasting about the possibility of a special friendship?
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Non-Beachy sez: Do it, or else.
Misinterpretation: I’m going to tell you what to do, punk.
Correct interpretation: A favorable outcome would be to follow this particular course of action.
In the Beachy tongue: You better would.
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Non-Beachy sez: Hookin’ up wit da home dogs, talkin’ bout da Benjis, three shot yo.
Misinterpretation: I believe speaking in tongues was something not just for the early apostles.
Correct interpretation: My friends and I need to get money by any means.
In the Beachy tongue: There will be a youth activity fundraiser this Friday night in the church basement.
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Non-Beachy sez: No way you’re going to talk me into substituting Sunday School for you!
Misinterpretation: Slap slap slap slap slap!
Correct interpretation: I don’t want to teach Sunday School this Sunday.
In the Beachy tongue: I think it might be better if you try to find someone else first.
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Non-Beachy sez: I have sinned deeply before God and man.
Misinterpretation: I murdered someone.
Correct interpretation: Something I did offended a brother in the church.
In the Beachy tongue: Maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do.
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    Non-Beachys or NMBs trying to interpret what a Beachy says

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Beachy sez: It’s important to maintain personal purity.
Misinterpretation: It’s important to have a balanced diet, drink plenty of water, and get routine exercise.
Correct interpretation: Don’t lust.
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Beachy sez: My neighbor smokes stuff.
Misinterpretation: My neighbor is a drug addict.
Correct Interpretation: My neighbor makes a living by adding a smoked flavor to meats and selling them.
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Beachy sez: God blesses the man with many arrows in his quiver.
Misinterpretation: God likes it when frightened people run in circles.
Correct interpretation: Natural growth is a proven way to grow the church.
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Beachy sez: We as a church are going to allow musical instruments.
Misinterpretation: Now you can buy a cello and learn to play J.S. Bach’s Cello Suites.
Correct Interpretation: Now we can sing Kumbayah with a guitar around the campfire.
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Beachy sez: Bless you, brother.
Misinterpretation: You just sneezed. Gesundheit!
Correct interptreation: I just kissed you. Tada!
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Beachy sez: I have peace with God and my fellow man.
Misinterpretation: How dear and precious the faith and fellowship of beleivers is to my pilgrim soul.
Correct interpretation: I’m not bothering anyone. I’ve reached the status quo.
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Beachy sez: There will be a card shower for Aaron and Fannie’s 50th wedding anniversary.
Misinterpretation: We are sending Aaron and Fannie on a vacation to Las Vegas to play Poker and Black Jack.
Correct intrepretation: Please send a greeting card to Aaron and Fannie like the rest of us.
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Beachy sez: Thank you for the good meal and hospitality. God bless!
Misinterpretation: That was one delicious meal, unlike anything I’ve ever eaten, and the conversation was simply marvelous, very stimulating. May the Lord richly reward you for this generosity.
Correct interpretation: We were at your house today.
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Beachy sez: Mark and Julie started dating when on a CBS tour.
Misinterpretation: I’ve been watching a dating reality show on television at a hotel.
Correct interpretation: If Mark and Julie got together at Bible school, then that gives me hopes someday I’ll start dating that special someone I met there.
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Beachy sez: I’m thinking about going to camp week this year.
Misinterpretation: I’m going to join the boyscouts.
Correct interpretation: I’m looking for a way to meet more girls my age.
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Beachy sez: John shared with others how he felt, and now he’s getting stoned.
Misinterpretation: John told his friends he was getting a little shaky and then went off to get high.
Correct interpretation: John told church members he differed with them on some issues, and people are treating him unfairly because of it.
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Beachy sez:
Please vote on this proposed change-
Yes ___ No ___
Misinterpretation:
Please vote on this proposed change-
Yes ___ No ___
Correct interpretation:
Please vote on this proposed change-
Yes ___ I need a special visit from the ministers: ___

Preorder your copies today! Order from:
BICKER, Inc.
77777 Narrow Way
Beachyville, Oh. 99199
Land of Anabaptist Smorgasbord

Copies are $29 each, or free with 36 proofs of purchases from your Calvary Messengers.

Post-original post ADDITIONS (last updated 11-11-09)
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Beachy sez: Could I talk with you once?
Misinterpretation: This is the last time I ever want to see your face.
Correct interpretation: Could I talk with you?

Beachy sez: Oh, good try!
Misinterpretation: That was a valiant effort to hit that volleyball, but the odds were simply stacked high against you.
Correct interpretation: Don’t feel bad if our team loses because of you.

Beachy sez: I want to give affirmation for the message. I was touched by what the brother spoke. It was really challenging for my personal life.
Misinterpretation: Such an exposition on the Word of God has fundamentally changed and deepened my Christian devotion. I’m now able and willing to stand against the vile temptations that may come, to stand for what is right even if it means losing face or life.
Correct interpretation: Three people need to give testimony and I haven’t done it in six weeks.
Alternative correct interpretation: I wish to attest to the brother’s persuasive and arousing public speaking skills. They stirred my emotions. It’ll be at least two weeks until I forget about the sermon.