This installment of the Apocryphal Beachy Saga is based on a similar story in 1 Sam King 2:12-36

And the child Samuel ministered unto the Lord before Eli: and the word of the Lord was precious in those days, as people’s personal devotions were only five minutes long, if that.

And it came to pass at that time, when Eli laid down to take his Sunday afternoon nap and the light of the house went out and the phone was muted, and Samuel also lay down for his Sunday afternoon nap, that the Lord called Samuel, and he answered, “Here am I.”

And he ran unto Eli, and said, “Here am I, for thou calledst me to prepare popcorn for supper.” And Eli said, “I called not, it’s not even five o’clock yet. Lay down again.”

And the Lord called yet again, “Samuel.” And Samuel arose and went unto Eli, and said, “Here am I, for thou didest call me to make popcorn.” And he answered, “I called not, my son, lay down again.”

And once again, Samuel heard his name being called, and he went unto Eli, and said, “Thou didst call, whether for popcorn or to play Scrabble or to fetch you your concordance.” And Eli perceived something strange was going on, and told Samuel to go back to bed, and if he hearest the voice again, whether from his closet or from under his bed, to say, “Speak, for I hear.”

And Samuel did as Eli instructed, and it was revealed unto Samuel all the things that Eli’s co-minister had told him. And when Samuel and Eli were eating popcorn and ice cream and drinking Sierra Mist that evening, Eli said unto Samuel, “You better would tell me all that you heard, lest I take from you your Sierra Mist and give you tonic water, your ice cream for sherbet, and yea, even more so, season your popcorn with much wasabi powder.” And Samuel very quickly told him all he knew. And Eli perceived that something bad was going to happen to Holy Hope, and that not even a committee of bishops could stop it.

And Samuel grew, and none of his words nor admonitions nor answers in Bible memory quizzes fell to the ground. And all Beachys from Lancaster County to Hutchinson, Kansas, yea, even unto the wintering elderly in Sarasota, FL, and Phoenix, AZ, knew that Samuel was established to be ordained a bishop, just as soon as he fulfilled the most important prerequisite of all: marriage.

Now the Biblical Mennonite Alliance (BMA) came near unto Holy Hope Christian Fellowship and set themselves up a church and an array of members. And the community was no longer a single-church settlement. And when the churches joined battle, Holy Hope was smitten, and the memberships of many youth were lost to the Alliance of Biblical Mennonites.

And when the people were come unto an emergency brethren’s meeting, the ministers of Holy Hope said, “Wherefore hath we lost many of our young people to this BMA church? Let us fetch our standard book and make changes to try to win them back.” And so they fetched the standard book out of the bottom of their desk drawer and brought it unto the meeting. And the two sons of Eli who ministered unto the people were there.

And when the standard book was brought unto the meeting, many changes came to pass through Eli’s two sons and others. Then with a great shout, a majority of Holy Hope Christian Fellowship voted to approve it, so that the earth rang again.

And when the Mennonites’ Alliance of Biblicism heard the noise of the vote, they said, “What meaneth the noise of this great shout in the church of the Beachys?” And they understood, that the standard book was brought into the meeting and that they were making some major changes, changes that would make them like one of the Beachy churches in the Land of the Anabaptist Smorgasbord, which have the likeness of a BMA church.

And the Biblical Mennonites within the Alliance were afraid, lest the strong bond of freundschaft coupled with a loosened up standard change cause them to lose their new converts. And they said, “Woe unto us, who shall deliver us out of the hand of these new practices? Be strong, of ye Alliance, that ye be not subservient to the Beachys’ thrust for relaxation of practices, as they have been to you; quit your selves like men, and get liberal!”

And the Allied Mennonites of the Bible got really liberal, so liberal, that they joined the ‘Conservative’ Mennonite Conference and removeth their head coverings and any sign of humble dress altogether, trading it for makeup and jewelry and t-shirts and business wear and suburban casual wear and wedding rings and purely raw suave style. And there was a very great membership transfer, for there transferred of Holy Hope Christian Fellowship 30 households, and young people without number. And the Holy Hope Christian Fellowship standard book was taken and run through the paper shredder, and the two sons of Eli also transferred their membership.

And there ran a man of the Tribe of Hostetler out of the BMA church, and came to Holy Hope Christian Fellowship with the top button of his shirt undone. And he entered into the church service at Holy Hope. And when he came, lo, Eli sat in the room behind the sanctuary, while the rest of the elder church members sat on the back pews, for their hearts trembled for the remainder of the standard book. And when the man of Hostelter told it to the elders, all the church cried out.

And when Eli heard the noise of the crying, he came out of the back room, got up behind the pulpit, and said, “What meaneth the noise of this tumult?” And the man stood and gave testimony, saying, “The young people and many middle-aged members of Holy Hope worshipped within the BMA church, and there hath been a great membership transfer among the people, and thy two sons also are transferred and the standard book is taken.”

And it came to pass, that when the man made mention of the standard book, (realizing now that when he gaveth some liberties, he did allow discontentment for what had remaineth), he fell backwards from off the pulpit and into the amen corner, where he broke his neck on the pew, and he died, for he was an old man, and he had been bishop for forty years.

And Eli’s daughter-in-law also gave birth to a son the same day. Wherefore, the Budget scribe had quite a bit to write about that week, and had to send in several birth-death-wedding notices to the Calvary Messenger at once. But, behold, the submission ended up being many months late. So all Beachys knew of the happenings at Holy Hope Christian Fellowship before it was even official.

This concludes the Apocryphal Beachy Saga of Sam King