Note: No specific individuals, groups, or churches are intended to be represented in this ongoing series. The story is purely conceptual with merely general representations.

This installment of the Apocryphal Beachy Saga is based on a similar story in 1 Sam King 2:12-36

Now the sons of Bishop Eli were the sons of Sport and the goddess DVD, they really didn’t know the Lord too well, though they thought, as many men do, that they’re not what they should be but they could get by, as they do go to church and do the minimum in the standard (yea, the very minimum), but their hearts were not after the principles the church and the standards represented, and they minded the things of this world more than the things of God. And of all Eli’s sons, two were in the ministry with Eli and another conservative brother, which made for very awkward and loaded meetings.

And the priests’ and elders’ custom was to lead a simple life by spending more time praying and reading Scripture and not worrying about the customs of the heathen round about. And behold, even some of the heathen in neighboring countries came to Holy Hope Christian Fellowship, because, lo, when they looked upon the conservative Beachys, they thought to themselves, “These strange people do not partake in our fun, feel-good customs, and they dress and act like our ways do not concern them in the least. Their minds must be set on things not here in this earth. Behold, they must worship the true God.”

But when the heathen came unto Holy Hope Christian Fellowship to offer themselves up to instruction and fellowship, to learn the way of the Beachys, the bishop’s sons came unto them and said, “Whatsoever things be in our standard, yea, those things shall not save thee. They are therefore of no value, so you must yield them up and not follow them too closely. And those men amongst us who practice these things well and do not push the line, behold, they have inconsistencies in their lives and do deceive thee. If ye continue to think well of our practices and value them, we will take this appreciation from you by force through our continual griping and pushing for liberal standards.”

Wherefore, the sin of the young men was very great, for men were turned away from Holy Hope Christian Fellowship by the confusion and half-truths these young men wrought. And many other young people in the church were turned away from the Lord by these deceptions. Even the heathen in neighboring towns mocked the sons of Eli, because, lo, it was evident that they were forced to practice things they did not want to practice, and tried to mingle these practices with those of the heathen, but it appeared unto the heathen as a hilarious contradiction, and they thought of Eli’s sons as truly the uncoolest of the uncool, though Eli’s sons were blinded to this.

But Samuel never strived to mingle the inventions of the heathen with the church’s practice, but rather ministered before the Lord, being a child, girded with suspenders. Moreover, his mother made him a little straight-cut suit coat with hooks and eyes, and brought a new one to him from year to year, when she came up with her husband who offered his yearly devotional meditation.

And Eli blessed Hannah and her husband, and she was very fruitful, and did provoke many Beachy women to envy, she bearing seven sons and eight daughters.

Now Eli was very old, and heard all that his sons said unto the Beachy young people and the heathen that came unto the church, and how they took for themselves very liberal wives from the Land of the Anabaptist Smorgasbord. And he said unto them, “Why do ye such things?” Not withstanding, they hearkened not unto him, but continued to press him with their Protestant teachings, loosening of standards, and desire to do what they want but still be okay enough to go to heaven hopefully. And they pressed so, that Eli was vexed, so that his eyes were turned away from his duties and he really began to wonder if standards are that important after all.

(And the child Samuel grew on, and was in favor, both with the Lord, and also with men; for he never missed a beat in Bible memory.)

Then came Eli’s conservative co-minister unto him after another minister’s meeting where Eli’s two sons called him all sorts of names, like ‘stucky’ and Eli had just sat in silence. And he said unto Eli, “Were you not chosen of the Lord by the lot many years ago? And were you not chosen to hold the line and encourage all to walk a godly path and deny self? Wherefore, kick ye at the practices, as well as the principles they represent, and honorest the teachings of thy sons above the way of the Lord, to give yourself and your sons freedom to mingle your practices with those of the heathen?

“Wherefore, thy house and the house of thy father should walk before me forever in the ministry; but now the days come that thy membership and the membership of thy fathers house shall be cut off, that there should be neither old man nor young in the Beachy church. And this shall be a sign, that in one day thy two sons in the ministry shall be converted to a liberal church. And a faithful bishop shall rise up, that shall do according to the practices that thy fathers learned of the Lord as a very good expression of His principles, and he shall live by these principles and practices.”

And Eli got a bishop committee in to have his co-minister silenced. So the co-minister got his own bishop committee, was reinstated, and started his own church far away.

To be continued.