Six months passed at the Forest Amish Mennonite Church after Goldilocks had begun attending, and during those six months she started to change, because she desired to do what was right and all. So she began to wear dresses instead of pants and she stopped cutting her hair (except, of course, for trimming her split ends, because I have been amply informed by a large number of irate commentators that there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with trimming split ends, and that if I were a girl I wouldn’t think there was either, and besides, this whole site is blasphemous anyhow, and how would I like it not to trim my beard?) (To which I would answer, very much thank you, because shaving gets so tiresome.) 

And Goldlilocks began to think, “I’ve been here for six months, and I am starting to fit in here (how wrong she was) and I would like to become a member.” For she was naive to the ways of the Beachys. But not for long.

And Goldilocks went to the ministers and said to them, “I’d want to be, like, a member of this church, because I, like, kind of, you know, fit in here, and stuff.” (Now let no one think that Goldilocks was unsaved, for she had found the Lord, therefore she had stopped wearing jewelry and pants and quit cutting her hair (except, of course, for trimming her split ends, because there isn’t a problem in the world with doing that, and I would have the common sense to realize it too, if that guy who hit me with the hammer had done his job right, because then I would have not only had a split head, but split ends as well.)

And the ministers said unto her, “Are you saved?” And she answer, “Yes, I am, because I like, prayed and everything, you know, and the Lord like saved me, and I’m living for Him and I want to join the church.”

And the ministers glowered, and thought, “She is worldly, for she uses ‘like’ and ‘you know,’ all the time in her sentences. And that is the way the world does it.”

And they said, “Come to instruction class, and we will instruct you for six months, and then you may be baptized and join the church.”

So Goldilocks came unto instruction class, and had many questions and things to discuss, which you would think was good, but it wasn’t, as you know if you have ever sat through a youth Sunday School class. For no one speaks, but rather looks one at the other, like unto frogs in a rainstorm, blinking sagaciously (or possibly vacantly) at the teacher.

And she asked questions of the ministers as to why the church did this or practiced that. (And if you think I am going to be specific as to exactly which practices she questioned, you must think I am insane.) And the ministers got frustrated, because they couldn’t come up with a Biblical, or even logical reason for those practices, other than that they were “just the way we do things around here, and have for a long time.” And instead of keeping her mouth shut, Goldilocks suggested a possibly better way of doing things. (And if you know anything at all about Beachy’s, you already know how the story ends.)

And the ministers took council of the membership, saying to them, “Shall we make Goldilocks a member of our church, and baptize her?” And they invited people to share their concerns.

And behold, the people came and shared their concerns about how she watched DVD’s and listened to country music, and followed the fads. (For Goldilocks did all these things, because she didn’t see anything wrong with them, and besides, the other young people were doing them too.)

And the ministers’ brows furrowed, and they said to Goldilocks, “We as a ministry leadership team (note trendy term), don’t feel that it would be conducive to the atmosphere we are attempting to promote in this church if we would just move along and baptize you right away.” (Translation: “Goldilocks, there is no way in the world that we are going to baptize you and make you a member either now or in the future, and if you insist, we will just keep putting it off and putting it off until you take the hint.”) But Goldilocks was not well versed in the Beachy jargon, and did not realize what they meant.

So she asked, “Like, what do I need to do? Am I doing something wrong?”

And the one of ministers said, “Quite a few of our members were concerned because you watch DVD’s, you follow the fads, and you listen to country music.”

And Goldilocks said, “But, I didn’t know that was a problem, I mean, your daughter does the same thing.”

And at that point, the rope was not only woven, the noose was not only tied, but Goldilocks was officially strung up and swinging in the breeze.

And it wasn’t long until Goldilocks had moved on.

And in the next men’s meeting, there was more talk about the importance of reaching out to the community, “because, something were are doing isn’t quite right, I mean, look at Goldilocks, she came for a while, but eventually moved on. Can’t we do anything to win these souls and keep them?”

And to be honest, I don’t know if we can.

Regards,

HBB