This continuation of the Beachy Saga is brought to you by Sven Svendsen, and is taken from the passage in 1 Sam King 1-2:11

And in those days, there were ministers and deacons and traveling committees of bishops in the Land of the Beachys, and all Beachys did that which was right in their own eyes.

Now there was a certain man from a Beachy church with a very Beachy name, which was John Beachy, who had devoted much time to memorizing the recorded genealogies, so that he was well known and knew everyone. He lived in the Land of Anabaptist Smorgesbord, among other fashionable Beachys and Amish and Mennonites without number. And he had two wives, but only one at a time, because he was pretty sure he did not believe in divorce and remarriage, and polygamy had never even crossed his mind. His two wives were Fannie (Miller), who died unexpectedly, and then Hannah (Stoltzfus), whom he married several months after the passing of his first wife, for lo, he didn’t know how to cook or make his bed or pick out fashionable clothes at Wal-Mart; for, behold, he had even strayed to buying clothes at Target. And John saw Hannah at the Penn Valley single’s retreat, and John loved Hannah because she had known no man, which is why he went to the single’s retreat and not the widows and widowers retreat. But Hannah bore him no child.

Now Hannah and her husband went up out of their large Anabaptist home community yearly to commune with family at a conservative Beachy church far away. And when the time came, John offered up a devotional at the Sunday service because, lo, the Sunday School superintendent found out about his visit. And when they knelt to pray, Hannah cried unto the LORD, and she vowed a vow on the middle pew:

“O LORD of hosts, behold thy handmaiden. For, lo, it has been three years and yet have I bore no child. And, ye, the people speak against me, and murmur, and accuse me of using all sorts of devices to prune the fruit of my womb, and that I have an anti-child attitude and have my mind set against family. Be it far from me to put off having children like the heathen and puerille, pleasure-seeking young marrieds. But now, if thou givest thine handmaiden a man child, then I will send the child to live with my good conservative in-laws here at Holy Hope Christian Fellowship far away from my dwelling place in the Land of Anabaptist Smorgasbord.”

Now Hannah got a little carried away in her prayer, and her lips were moving, and she also lifted one of her hands to about shoulder level, and her pew-mates took notice, as did Bishop Eli from his high post up front. And they were confounded by her strange behavior, and took her to be lost to the Pentecostals.

And when John and Hannah passest by the bishop after the service, he confronted Hannah, saying, “How long wilt thou be drunk with evangelical books? Put away that Protestant daily devotional and Women’s Bible with commentary and get Beside the Still Waters.” And Hannah answered, and said, “No, Brother Eli, count not thine handmaiden a daughter of middle age Protestant female teachers, who whack off their hair and wear a painter’s palette of makeup; for out of my grief have I pleaded.” Then Bishop Eli said, “May the Lord grant your request.”

And John and Hannah returned to the Land of Anabaptist Smorgasbord, and John knew his wife, and she conceived, and brought forth a man child, and she called his name Samuel Deangelo, saying, “Because I have asked him of the Lord, and because I wanted to give him a strange name, like unto those chosen by the darker Ethiopians, but his father protested, so hence, we now maketh the name I desireth his middle name as a compromise.”

And the man John, and all his house, went up to visit family and offer unto the LORD the yearly devotional meditation at Holy Hope Christian Fellowship. But Hannah went not up; for she said unto her husband, “I will not go up until the child stops waking me up several times a night and you start taking your turn. For, behold, I tire, and am too weary to travel in the cramp red minivan with all our house.” And John said, “Whatever, do what seemeth thee good.” And from the time John left to when he returned, Hannah persisted in using the telephone and internet with break for only essential functions.

And when John started taking his turn during the night as his evening meat became increasingly drier and tougher, Hannah got enough sleep and was able to travel that year. And she took the child up with her, with three little outfits she had bought at Wal-Mart in the worldly children’s clothes department, things that, yea, not even liberal adult Beachys would wear, and two bottles of gel for the boy’s hair, and several Walt Disney books like Winnie the Pooh. And she went unto the house of Brother Eli, who was the son of Brother Stephen, who begat also Brother William, Brother Aaron, and Brother Nathaniel, and Brother Aaron begat Brother John, making Brother Eli an uncle of Brother John (and in the French tongue, Frère Jacques).

And Hannah brought the child and his accessories unto Brother Eli, saying, “Oh, my in-law, as thy soul liveth, I am the woman, that kneeled in thy church, praying unto the Lord. For this child I prayed, and the Lord hath given me my petition, which I asked of him. Therefore, also I have lent him unto the Lord at this conservative Beachy church as long as he liveth.”

And Eli took the child. And when Hannah left, he also took the accessories out behind his house and burned them all as a sacrifice unto the Lord. And Eli made the child a simple wooden toy, dressed him in simple clothes, trimmed his sloppy mop of hair that his mother let grow, and taught him carefully in the ways of the Lord. And Samuel ministered unto the Lord before Eli the Bishop.

To be continued.