Now it came to pass that there was a young worldly girl named Goldilocks. And Goldilocks did all those things which she ought not to have done, but she wore shekich clothes and yea, even pants, and did cut her hair, which thing she ought not have done.

(Now, I must needs digress from this story and deal with a pertinent topic at hand. For behold the rumor hath come to my ears that there are girls, indeed even Beachy girls who say within themselves that if the hair is under the covering that a little trimming is permissible, for verily, “I hath split ends (whatever those are), or I hath some other need which requireth the removal of my hair, which God hath said I ought not to cut, for I am not actually cutting, but rather trimming.”  (Which is a pretty flimsy argument, since cutting and trimming are pretty much the same thing, and if you don’t believe me, just try “trimming” the first inch or so off your finger.) According to my calculations, there are only about three reasons for the removal of hair from a female’s head. 1) If it is growing on the chin. (This hair is given for the purpose of sex distinction, and belongs on men only; (in fact there are those who would say that this hair is MANDATORY for men, and that wearing it is one of the most BIBLICAL things you can do, but that’s a whole other subject) 2) If you are the victim of cancer, in which case you will not care about split ends, you will be glad you have ends to split; 3) If it is wrapped up in a PTO shaft or around a railroad track or some other such encumbrance which causes your life to be in jeopardy, and thus requires the speedy removal of your tresses.) But that is just a side note, and I may be misinformed, and for once, I hope I am wrong.

Nevertheless, Goldilocks, who did all these worldly things, decided that she wanted to go to church. Now in the forest in which she dwelt, there were three churches. Namely, the Charity Church, (which went by the name of Forest Christian Community Church) (for they never call themselves Charity churches, even when they are, because that would make them a denomination, and for some incomprehensible reason, that’s bad…) The second church was the Verdant Forest Running Creek Rocky Hill Conservative Mennonite Church, (for some reason, conservative Mennonite churches are always named after the local scenery, and the third church in the forest was the Forest Beachy Amish Mennonite Church, (which is exactly what it was)

And Goldilocks went into the Forest and looked about and behold! She saw the sign for the Verdant Forest Running Creek Rocky Hill Conservative Mennonite Church, and since she liked the name, she thought she’d give it a try.

And as she entered the church, she was met at the door by a stern looking man, who looked upon her worldly clothes with a narrowed eye. And he led her into the auditorium, where she took a seat in the back pew, where little children turned and stared at her, until their parents pinched them and made them watch the preacher (Which was kind of sad, because watching Goldilocks was a lot more interesting). And it seemed to her that the church was exceeding stiff and starchy; and when the service was over, she found that she had nothing in common with the women, for they spoke of gardens, and canning, and child-rearing, and other such subjects, and all that Goldilocks had knowledge of was make-up and jewelry and fads and TV shows and country music. And Goldilocks left the Verdant Forest Running Creek Rocky Hill Conservative Mennonite Church and she was not pleased, because it was too hard.

And she looked about and behold, she saw the Charity church, or rather, the Forest Christian Church (they seldom admit to being Charity)  and she decided to attend that church next Sunday.

And behold, on the following Sunday, she found a seat in the back of the Charity Forest Christian Church. And they accepted her just the way she was, and they smiled at her and gushed over how glad they were to see her. And she attended the church for some time, until she discovered that although she was accepted the way she was, she didn’t really have a lot in common with those people either, and they didn’t do much to help her fit in. (There is a reason for that, but I’m not going to tell you what it is, because I will get a lot of angry comments if I do.) And she thought to herself, “This church is too soft.” And she decided to try the Forest Amish Mennonite Church, just to see if they’d be just right.

And on the following Sunday, Goldilocks walked into the Beachy church. And behold, all the Beachy’s were friendly to her and treated her kindly, (she didn’t have any children for the Beachy children to pick on) and she was pleased. And she found that the girls knew something of make-up, and a little about jewelry, and quite a bit about fads. The only TV shows they knew about were the ones that were old enough to appear on DVD, but hey, she liked the Dukes of Hazzard, and she was crazy about Bonanza, so that was fine.  But what Goldilocks found out that what they really had a handle on was country music. For these Beachy’s could tell who sang “Long Black Train” and who sang “How Do You Like Me Now?”  (And I bet almost every Beachy reading this post can too.) In fact, when one of the girls referred to the song regarding exactly what series of steps a young man must perform in order to procure a female companion in this municipality, she knew exactly what they were talking about.  And she found that she could hang out with the young people without having to join the church, which was really cool.

And Goldilocks was sure that the Beachy church was “just right.”