Note to Discerning Beachys: Before the Release of the first post of the eagerly awaited Beachy Psalter, it has been determined that it would be expedient to launch a continuation of the Beachy Saga. It is offered to you with my usual regards, HBB.

And the HBB thought back through the past year, and it came to his mind that it had been many moons since he had released an installment of the Beachy Saga.  And he sought, and behold, the last in the series had been the story of Checky and Esau. (The Daughters of Shiloh being a special edition.)

And it came to pass, that not long after Checky and Esau hadst made the deal which they made known unto us as the Beachy Bargain (Not to be confused with the Bargain Hunter); that their father, Isaac, called unto Esau and said, “Look, I art getting old, and verily I art probably about to croak, if you know what I mean. Therefore, go out into the woods, for is it not yet hunting season? And shoot thou an large deer that I mayest eat fresh venison before I die. And then shall I give thee a great blessing.”

And Esau went out to his “Cowboy Cadillac,” (which was decked out in classic ex-Amish style, sporting several CB whips, each creating enough wind resistance to be capable of changing major weather patterns in the tri-state area, and enough lights to pass as a small town airport, as well as massive tires, which would have been too large for use on a Sherman tank, (also it had enough gun-racks in the back window to arm a small division of the militia)) and he roared off.

And it came to pass that no sooner had he left the driveway then Rebecca pulled Checky into a side room, and whispered. “Now’s your chance!” “For verily, when Esau gets back with a deer, Isaac planneth to give him a blessing and sign over the property to him.”

And Checky said, “So what am I supposed to do about it.”

And Rebecca said, “Thou shalt impersonate Esau.”

And Checky said, “How?”

And Rebecca said, “Thou shalt get a camoflage bill cap which advertiseth a tire shop, and an pair of pants which art soaked in motor oil and stained with grease, and an tight, formfitting T-shirt which readeth with some type of slogan, which regardeth cowboys, or mechanics, or even possibly rednecks. And forget not to wear cowboy boots, for they complete the image. Above all else forget not the cowboy boots. And it shall be that thy father shall look upon thee, and thou shalt appear like unto thy brother, and he shall give thee the deed to the place.”

And Rebecca spake further and said, “I shalt take a deer steak out of the deep freeze and shalt fry it and cook it, and decieve him with the taste thereof, and you shall get what thou shouldest have.”

And Checky hearkened unto the voice of his mother, and gathered unto him a camoflage bill cap, which advertised Joe Schmucker’s Discount Tire Outlet and Shop, and an pair of greasy blue jeans, and a tight shirt which read “Pickup Man.” And he hung a cell phone from his iron-studded six-foot belt, and he pulled on a pair of NAEAR-approved (National Association of Ex-Amish Rednecks) (Official motto: “You might have all-terrain vehicles, but we have all-terrain minivans.”) cowboy boots, and he swaggered into the kitchen to get the plate of deer steak from his mother.

And Checky approached unto his father, with the food, and said unto him, “Yee-haa! I’m back with your steak, just like you wanted.” 

And Isaac said, “That was fast.”

And Checky said, “Well, Dad…inasmuch as we live in Pennsylvania, and art legally allowed to use high-powered rifles, yea, even grenade-launchers and small artillery to hunt with, verily I hath gotten the deer quickly.”

And Isaac thought within himself, “Something is wrong, for Esau useth not big words like inasmuch.”

And Checky said, “Well, Dad…eat up!

And behold the deer steak was juicy and tender, and Isaac ate thereof, and was filled. And his full stomach got the better of his good sense, (which tends to happen in many cases, including sewings and fellowship dinners) and he got out his pen, and began to sign over the deed in Esau’s name.

And Checky thought quickly, for all his planning should be in vain if his father now did this thing. And he said, “Dad, I’ve been thinking.” Which was a way for him to buy time so that he could really think, and fast. And he said, “I think I wanteth to sell some of the land to some of my ex-Amish buddies, make not out the deed, but let me make it out in mine own time.” And Isaac did as Checky had requested, and gave him the deed.

Then did Checky smile, and walk from the room thereof. But no sooner had he reached the kitchen, than he heard the sound of a massive pickup truck roaring up the driveway, and Checky froze in his tracks. For he knew that Esau returned with a deer, and he was caught.

So Checky took the deed and quickly wrote his name in the proper place, and that was that.

But when he heard a roar from the living room, and knew that Esau knew. He decided to get lost. And he wrote a note to his mother, saying, “I felt it would be expedient to go visit my uncle Laban Beachy in Hutchinson, Kansas for a while.”

And he ran out to his light blue Ford Taurus, and behold he drove away, before Esau could catch him.

And the further experiences of Checky in Kansas shall be detailed to thee at a later date.

Regards, HBB