Now it came into the mind of the HBB that many days had passed since he had last lifted up his voice and cried out against the terrible threats and dangers which surround the modern Beachy as he traverses the modern trails of church-ianity. (Which is one of the dumbest words that I, the HBB, have ever heard, but it is a popular word, which is used to poke fun at “modern society,” which is another phrase that sounds great but is also kind of meaningless. “Trendy dialogue,” is another such phrase. But I digress.

The purpose of this post is to instill into the minds of my discerning readers the importance of avoiding the perilous pitfalls which they must all avoid if they desire to be good Beachys.

For the first, I will give credit to my younger brother, who you will soon meet as the BTT (Beachy Tire Technician). He recently made me aware of an insidious movement which is gaining strength and is threatening our Beachy way of life. In a recent letter to me, he informed me of the nefarious CMM.

When I read this chilling acronym, my heart was seized with fear, because I misread it as CCM, (that is to say, Contemporary Christian Music) and my chest and throat constricted, as images of bearded Beachys swaying sensually to the pulsating pound of the mesmerizing music assaulted my brain. The thought was paralyzing. The disturbing part was that the mental picture reminded me of the Haiti Relief Sale in Mount Hope.

Forunately I rapidly recovered when I realized that the acronym was CMM, and that it meant the “Contemporary Mennonite Movement.” (A term which my brother apparently coined, because I have not seen it in the Calvary Messenger.)

In his letter to me, BTT informed me that the CMM was a ”phantom plague that strikes various Mennonite churches” often unexpectedly. My immediate thought was that this was a syndrome, rather than a movement, but I have been assured that this is not the case.

BTT informed me that churches which are sucked into this sinister movement have several characteristics, which I will share with you.

  • A High Level of Spirituality
    By this we mean a church in which all the attendees are quick to inform those whom they meet of just how deeply spiritual they are. They no longer attend church. (How boring!) No! They are involved in what they are pleased to call a “worship experience.” (A phrase which, like “modern society” and “church-ianity” sounds nice, but is basically meaningless.
  • Modernisation of Method and Focus on Worship
    By this we mean a church which has largely given up singing songs which refer to such antiquated and out-dated topics as Atonement, Salvation and Practical Christian Living, and has taken to singing what are popularly known as praise choruses. The focus here is praising the Lord because He is big and powerful and mighty and because He loves everyone. (Implied here is that we are praising Him because it makes us feel warm and fuzzy, although I am not aware of any praise chorus which overtly expresses this sentiment.) Also popular are Modern Versions, which are so much clearer than the fusty-musty KJV, and praise and worship services, which are basically services in which praise choruses are sung in an up-beat manner and everyone feels good.
  • Removal of Spiritual Hindrances
    Another Hallmark of a CMM church is the removal of all those things which provide its membership with hinderances to spirituality. One such thing is the cape dress. Any fool knows that if women dress modestly, they will then become prideful, due to their modesty, and therefore lose out spiritually. This point has never quite made sense to me, but that is what CMM churches will tell you. Also, if a person is dressing modestly, they can hide sin behind there righteous attire. Thus, if one removes the modest attire, the sin can no longer be hidden. (I guess not, because that makes the immodesty of the heart pretty much blatant.)Another hindrance to spirituality is the covering. In the words of BTT, “…evidently as you reach a higher and higher level of spirituality, you can do with less and less of the head covering.  After a certain level of spirituality, the outward symbol is no longer necessary at all, because all it radiates from within.” Thus, we can clearly see that the covering hinders one from reaching the highest levels of spirituality.

    Cargo pants are a must for spirituality in the CMM, just as robes were a must for medieval monks. Besides, “what would you do without those extra 357 pockets down the pant legs? How could you live?” The issue of cargo pants has been superbly dealt with by Abner, who writes for www.birdinhandnews.com, and I agree with him. Anyone can clearly see how wearing them could lead to divorce and remarriage.

A large part of the blogging ministry is admonition and warning, and I take my position very seriously. In by-gone months, I have warned my readers of the dangers of the Charity Church. I believe that those were warnings which carried validity. However, I must now warn you of this new menace. Beware of the CMM in all its forms, and may you be a proper Beachy all the days of your life.

Regards,
HBB

P.S. “The Swaying Beachys” would make an excellent name for a CCM band.