Wagler, Ira Lee, 24, Bird-in-Hand News, PA, died a violent and needless death in Bird-in-Hand on 11/25/07. He was born to Stephen and Wilma (Yutzy) Wagler, who was daughter to David & Ida Mae (Yoder) Wagler, not the Ida Mae (Yoder) of Belvidere Mennonite in TN who is married to Emery Beachy, since she would have had to give birth to Ira at age 10, and that just didn’t happen. But I doubt anyone knows who she is, and I’ve never met her, but I thought I’d mention her just in case there may be any confusion.

Ira is survived by two parents, three sisters, and a little brother, who were all really bummed out by his death. He is also survived by some cousins, uncles, and aunts that no one bothered to count, a girlfriend, an outdated website, broken promises, and countless fans, who were also really bummed out that he died since Harmon hasn’t been updated in several months.

Wagler died an untimely death. Several hours prior to his passing, he was excommunicated from Pequea Amish Mennonite by a frustrated membership that wanted to know what happened to Harmon. Several youth girls accused him of portraying them as Arvilla or Millie in his story and one minister felt his repeated usage of the word “dumb” was unnecessary, but the real reason they came up with these excuses to excommunicate him was that they hoped he would finish writing the story after promising forthcoming chapters.

Wagler then left the church, unrepentant and obstinate, and went to meet his real devoted fans in Bird-in-Hand. The screaming girls all yelled and fainted when he arrived, all reaching for him, hoping only to touch his jacket or get a lock of his hair. Wagler sang a Bird-in-Hand a cappella rendition of “Rockin’ Robin,” swinging his hips voluptuously to the beat and throwing back his head and tossing his hair about. Unable to contain themselves, the girls ran him down, including one fat tourist from New Jersey who was eating a triple scoop of pickle-flavored Amish ice cream. The tourist dropped the dessert on his face, and Wagler suffocated while oblivious fans tore at his garments to get a piece to sell on eBay, so that the Church Standard Booklet might be fulfilled: “They parted my garments among them, and upon my vesture did they cast lots;” and again, “And he was numbered with the tourists;” and again, “He shall drink of the bitter gall.”

So go home everyone, you don’t need to check the http://www.birdinhandnews.com/ website several times a day anymore to see if there is a new Harmon. The last chapter has been written. Writer’s block and pockets of sapped inspiration were discovered during the autopsy. Wagler will be cremated and his ashes shall be scanned and put on his website in memory of him.

White Pants, 4, of many Beachy churches, died suddenly last month as a fad among young adult Beachy boys and wish-we-were-still-young married people. White pants was growing strong as a fad, and seemed to be here to stay, but was abruptly struck by a case of bad taste, which had actually lingered with the White Pants since it was born, but was unknown to the wearers until an autopsy was performed.

White Pants was born in Holmes County, OH, but also lived in Northern Indiana and Lancaster County in the very early stages of infancy. White Pants then moved to over 100 Beachy churches across North America and four other continents worldwide. White Pants is survived by its large extended family of puerile styles including long side burns, untucked shirts, shadow beards, blue jeans, name brand clothes, leather jackets, and greased down bangs over the forehead, which all have been also recently diagnosed with a case of bad taste. Some are expected to die soon, others are expected to malignently dwell within the Beachy church indefinitely.

The viewing will be held Friday, but is expected to have a very low turnout as no one wants to be seen with White Pants anymore.