Yes, you read that right: new Beachy personal ads! The Budget wouldn’t print them. The Calvary Messenger said it couldn’t be done. But the Beachy Complex said that it was their impossible dream! Now coming to you through Beachy Complex Publications, Beachy personal ads, the newest way to meet your mate and marry while you’re still young! Mom dropping you hints as you fast approach 30?? Dad disappointed that you’ve turned down four respectable suitors that you “just didn’t feel comfortable” with?? Don’t fret! Subscribe to Beachy Personal Ads today and be married in less than a year!

Female Seeking Male
Goody-goody SWF who does everything right looking for goody-goody SWM who does everything right. Should know how to give cold shoulder to inferior people without causing a stir that reflects negatively on reputation. Parents must be well-known, elite Beachys. Must make lots of money and have spent exactly 12 months in service. Sincere spiritual character not required, but must be able to fake it.

Lonely SWF who likes to move fast in relationships looking for SWM who knows how to talk father into letting her marry. Must be willing to wed on short notice without parental blessing. Can make a good apple dumpling. Please call once and hang up after the first ring, wait one minute, call again and let ring two times, hang up, and then call again in 30 minutes.

Older SWF widow Budget scribe looking for SWM who just likes to talk about the weather.

Desperate SBF looking for SBM member of the Beachy church. Anyone who fits profile will do.

SWF looking for SWM willing to finance shopping habits. That’s all.

Just-turned-18 SWF eager to start dating strong and charming SWM who knows how to go through the proper channels to request courtship. Must like giddy, talkative girls who are always in the know.

SWF native convert from Latin America looking for SWM member at a stylish and fashionable Beachy church that has all the amenities and wealth of American culture. Willingness to stay at current church a must, and ability to get visas and green cards for others a plus.

Male Seeking Female
SWM living in starter castle he built himself looking for SWF with excellent mothering skills. Must be able to clean dirty laundry left on the floor, remove coffee stains from furniture and rug, make boring meals loaded with butter and salt, and fetch husband the morning newspaper before he gets out of bed. Please call ASAP, for his bathroom is dirty and he is getting hungry.

Uppity SWM choir director looking for SWF soprano who can sing the high parts on the Hallelujah Chorus. Must have attended at least one Shenandoah Valley Music Camp and participated in over ten touring choirs. Ability to give trite, shallow testimonies between songs a plus. Must like singing in hot showers, singing in cold showers, singing along with the Sound of Music, and talking about singing. Must be able to tell Felix Mendelssohn from Eric Whitacre, and Hallal from West Coast Mennonite Choir (there will be a quiz). Auditions starting next week. Members of Antrim Mennonite Choir, Oasis Chorale, or Mountain Anthems accepted without further question.

Young SWM looking for SWF who wants to beat the Beachy record for largest number of children in a family, which currently stands at 20. Must know several good midwives and be able to give birth at home (or at least believe she can). Good with children a plus, but not required. Can-do attitude a must.

Older SWM widower looking for SWF who has never married. Must like former wife’s tastes in food, household décor, and child training skills. Must also have former wife’s ability to relate to other former wife’s in-laws.

SWM Thomas Kinkaid look-alike searching for dreamy, tightly packaged Beachy girl from Lancaster, Holmes County, or Northern Indiana who enjoys reading romance novels, taking long walks on the beach, and cuddling together when in the presence of others. No character necessary, just passionate indulgence.

Other
Church standard booklet looking for anyone who likes it. Obedience is a plus, but not required. Person of conviction even better. Must be willing to take me off shelf or out of drawer for a read at least once a year. Twice preferred.

Bible school in Arkansas looking for students who want to learn more about God and not just play volleyball, socialize, and flirt with the opposite sex. Please mail applications immediately, as many unqualified applicants have already applied and been accepted.