Lesson #3: How to Play the Mennonite Game Show

Contests each take their seat on either side of the stage that resembles a sanctuary (men on the right and women on the left) while the game show host stands up behind the flashy game stand (the pulpit) and introduces today’s live show to the ecstatic studio audience and viewers from twelve well-respected Anabaptist settlements in North America, and also Holmes County. As the game begins, each contestant names his father and mother. These will be spread out on a family tree chart by the judges. Though the game is traditionally played by memory, memory is unreliable in the presence of competition and pressure (which proves that you don’t need a brain to play volleyball).

With this chart, contenders attempt to identify the most connections with their randomly selected round partner. All partners play until one of them runs out of connections based on a thirty second-time gap, who is then “trumped” out of the game. Through a series of these first rounds, contestants are mixed-and-matched in pairs, and eventually weeded out until only four remain.

In the second round, each of the four contestants is given a well-loved Amish Mennonite Directory from 1993. The contestants are told of an obscure Beachy in an obscure congregation that is five to seven times removed from their immediate families. The four must race through the pages of the directory to identify connections. The first two Beachys to correctly name a blood-line relation to their family go to the final round.

In the last round, the two most prolific Beachy connection-makers are pitted against each other in a grueling duel for the supreme Beachy title of Ultimate Connection-Maker. The leading contestant names a family member, and the other tries to make a connection, then he names a family member in turn. The contestants go on in this way, making volleys of connections and throwing the names of eccentric great uncles in Costa Rica, fifth cousins half-removed, and the fourth wife of forgotten widowers back and forth in each other’s faces. If one contestant fails to connect to the other’s named relative, then that contestant is ousted from the game in a burst of smoke, leaving only the winner in the game studio.

The single triumphant Beachy wins the grand prize: a premiere gold-embossed edition of the Amish Mennonite Directory 2010 signed by Devon Miller himself and an all-expense paid trip to an Anabaptist historical library of his choosing to research his lineage back to Adam and Eve (Miller) Yoder. As a consolation prize, the second place contestant is treated to a fellowship meal after the Sunday service in his humble honor. All other contestants receive a canned good of their choosing, recognition of their honest attempts in next month’s Calvary Messenger, and criticism in next week’s Budget.

The Mennonite Game has helped diverse groups of Anabaptists for almost 500 years. It maintains people’s awareness of their ancestry and bloodlines. It also gives old people in the church an excuse to talk with the youth. Sometimes it even facilitates marriage decisions. However, some really smart scientists from John Hopkins say that this type of competition encourages inbreeding and a backwards outlook on relationships. But who cares? It’s a good excuse for fellowship meals.