Lesson #2: How to Travel

Part I: Travel Preparations
You get a wedding invitation. Nathan Bontrager is getting married to Dorcas Miller. Nathan is from your church. Dorcas is from Kansas. That’s a long ways away. Looks like you’ll have to make travel arrangements.

The wedding is in three months. You don’t know how you’ll get there. Probably ride out with some friends. You know people you’d like to go with. You know people you’d not like to go with. You think about Ed. You really don’t want to go with Ed. Last time there was a wedding you ended up with Ed in your group, and he talked a lot, and he talked a lot about nothing. No one could be normal with him along. You don’t want to go with Ed.

Don’t make arrangements for the wedding right away. You still have plenty of time. You wait. You forget. Oops, now the wedding is next weekend and you still haven’t made plans. Your mom asks if you want to go with her and dad. You don’t want to go with them. Say to her: “I think Joe might have been thinking about going with me.” Say: “I have to leave early on Thursday to serve.” Say: “I need my car to get around when I’m out there.”

Mom’s left you alone now. Ask your younger sister who she’s going with. “Just some girls.” Ask who. You want to know if she’s going with Rachel. She doesn’t want to tell you. She knows you want to know if she’s going with Rachel. “Sarah and Beth,” she says. Ask her if that’s all. “Maybe Rachel, too,” she says. Rachel is going with them. You’d like to go out to Kansas with Rachel. You’d like to go out with Rachel.

Ask her: “You all want to go with me? I’m sure mom and dad would let us use the minivan. I could get Joe to come along.” You need to make sure Joe comes. It would be awkward if you were the only guy. Plus, you need someone to see if Rachel does anything that hints she likes you.

“We were thinking it would just be us girls.”

She knows you want to ride out with Rachel. You know that she knows you want to ride out with Rachel. She knows that you know that she knows you want to ride out with Rachel. Yet you cover up your motivation anyways.

Say: “Aw, it would be fun to have a mixed group.” Say: “Wouldn’t you like some fellows along in case something happens to the car?” Say: “Maybe I can get Josiah to come with us.” You know you couldn’t get Josiah to come along. She knows you couldn’t get Josiah to come along. You know that she knows that you couldn’t get Josiah to come along. Beth is Josiah’s sister. Going with Beth is close enough for her. Beth might say good things about her to Josiah.

“I think it’ll be fine if it’s just us girls.”

Act like you’re okay with it. Make her feel like she’s being selfish. Make her feel like she is the source of problems among the youth. Say: “That’s fine, if you don’t want to have any fun. I’m just trying to mix things up in the youth group.” She ignores you.

You still need to find a way to get to Kansas. You want to drive. You hate riding in other people’s vehicles. When you drive, you’re in control. You control the A/C and windows. You control the music. You control the route taken and stops made. And people pay you to do it.

Talk to Joe in church on Sunday. He was also thinking of getting a group together. You ask him if he wants to go with your group. He asks you who is in your group. Say: “I talked to my sister about it and she might be bringing some of her friends.” Joe is not convinced. “Sounds like you’re pretty full,” he says. You casually mention you’re not full, that you might be able to take one more person. He says, “Hope you can find someone to fill that spot.”

He’ll be back. You know he doesn’t have anyone to go with. You know he knows you don’t have anyone to go with. You know he just wants to take his car and have people pay him to be in control. He’s pretty self-centered. You don’t know why you keep him around as a friend. Probably just to help him boost his image. He owes you big time. Why doesn’t he just go with your group? It’s hard to get someone to be the first to go.

Call Timothy. He’s going with Phil, Susan, and Diane and picking up a CBS friend half way there.

Call Duane. He was planning to leave at a different time.

Call Marvin. He wonders who’s in your group. You say maybe your sister and some friends. He says he thought your sister was going with Beth’s group. Say you don’t know what she’s planning now.

Call Samuel. He’s going with Duane and his two sisters.

Call Phil. He’s going with Timothy and Duane. You thought Susan was also going with them. He says she was going with them, but ended up going with Anna and Deborah on the way there, but might still ride back with them.

You’re really not sure who is going with who anymore, but you’re running out of people to contact. You’re not sure who is left. Examine the households on the church phone list: Beachy, Bontrager, Coblentz, Esh, Fisher, Graber… wait, you haven’t heard about Josiah Graber yet. He’s easy going, tall, and smart. You get along with him fine, though you’re not chummy. But he’s probably going with Jake. Jake is his good pal. Jake doesn’t know much and has little backbone, but he sticks close to Josiah and amen’s everything he says.

Call Josiah. He says he hadn’t made any plans yet. He says Jake didn’t get an invitation. It was a sore point; Nathan’s granddad split from Jake’s granddad’s church. He says he’d be into something different. He says he’d be cool with going in your group. He never asks who is in your group. Josiah is just cool like that.

Now that you’ve got one person, it’ll be easy to get others.

Tell your sister Josiah is coming with your group. “Duh” she says. Say: “No, for real. Just ask Beth.” Say: “Jake isn’t going, so Josiah wanted to hang out with me.” Say: “Josiah probably thinks you’re coming along with my group.”

She pauses. Her eyes shift hastily around. “Duh,” she says again. “Duh!” Say: “You can still come along. There’s still room for your group.” She knows the deal. You have Josiah. She must bring Rachel. She breaks her resistance. “I’ll see what Beth and the girls think. It might be neat to mix up some for a change.”

She returns the next day. “Beth was okay with going with her brother, so I guess I’ll go along with you all.” She didn’t say ‘Josiah.’ She said ‘her brother.’ She can’t say ‘Josiah’ without stuttering or flinching.

Ask: “What about the others?” She says, “Sarah thought she might go with Joe’s group since Anna, Deborah, and Susan are going with him.” You think: “How did Joe get all those girls to go with him?” You’re jealous of Joe. Why do the girls want to ride with a selfish person like Joe? You make plans to lash back at him, to make fun of him in front of the girls about being with them. That’ll make you feel better about yourself.

Ask: “Wasn’t Rachel going in your group? Did you talk to her? Is she coming?”

Oops, that came off too strong. You’re being too obvious. Your sister has the upper hand now. You just fed it to her, gave it to her. Now you’re at her mercy. She grins and turns to walk away. “Yeah, but she didn’t sound too happy about it though. She wanted to go with a girls’ group. She tried to get in with Joe’s group, but he was filled up by then.”

Joe’s an idiot. You despise him. He’s only got what he’s got because he hangs around with you so much. He’s too shy to talk to all those girls anyways. He probably won’t say a thing the whole trip. If he does, he’ll probably embarrass himself.

But Rachel is going with you now. She’ll be happy. You’ll do whatever she says. If she likes windows down, you like windows down. If she likes A/C, you’ll like A/C. You’ll impress her with how friendly and kind you are. You’ll get her to sit behind the driver’s seat so you can close the door for her when she gets in. Maybe she’ll even sit in the front seat for a little while.

Josiah calls the day before you leave. “Hey, Beth won’t be going with us anymore. She forgot to request off work on Saturday.” That’s great, you think: two girls, two guys. Dump your sister with Josiah and it’s just you and Rachel. You don’t know how this happened, but you’re sure to thank God in your prayers that evening. You pray that God would make Rachel like you. You pray that you don’t say anything dumb. You ask God if she’s the one. You try to feel what God is telling you. Is she the one? You like thinking about her, but can’t tell if that’s God telling you or not. You feel guilty for praying about Rachel so much. You thank God for the weather. You thank God for forgiveness from sin. You start thinking about Rachel again. Is she the one? It sure feels like she’s the one. But there’s that doubt that you’re just feeling what you’re feeling and God is not telling you anything. You pray that if she is the one, then everything will go well tomorrow. You feel guilty again. You thank God for the weather. You thank Jesus for what he did on the cross. You pray for the President and government. You thank God that you live in a free country. You fall asleep by mistake.

Part II: On the Road
You’re packing up stuff in your car. Load your favorite CDs into your CD changer: Hallal, Altar of Praise, Flight F-I-N-A-L, and the newest Oasis CD, ‘Ireland Friends R-4-Ever, 2007 Tour.’ Your sister brings five bags of dresses. What does she need that many dresses for? You grab chips, a cooler of Mt. Dew, and other snacks for the trip. Your mom asks as you pass her in the kitchen: “I thought your sister was going with some other girls.” Your other sister is running the vacuum. You pretend you didn’t hear. You drop the snacks off in the car. Your mom barricades the front door with her portly figure as you return. “I was talking to Fannie at the sewing, and she said Joe is going with another group. I thought you were going with Joe.” Say: “Things change, mom.” Say: “Joe can never make up his mind.” Say: “I think Joe wanted to go with a certain girl.” That’ll get your mom off your back and give her something to chew on before the next sewing.

You’re ready to go. Your sister isn’t. Lay on the horn until she comes out. She’s mad at you. That’s okay. She won’t be so mad when you pick up Josiah. She gets in the back seat and slams the door. She’s wearing her traveling doily. It looks like someone strapped a burnt pancake on her head.

You drive to Rachel’s house. You get out to greet her. Say: “Hi Rachel.” Say: “You can sit wherever you want.” Say: “I’ll get your things.” You like touching her luggage. You take her five dress bags and put them on top of your sister’s. Wow, five dress bags. You’re going to get to see her in five different dresses this weekend. She hops in the back right behind you. They make small talk, and you roll towards Josiah’s house.

As you drive up Josiah’s driveway, you see two young men sitting on the porch. You get closer. One’s Josiah. You get closer. Who’s that waving the fly swatter around? You get closer. Oh no. Yes. No. It isn’t. It is. It’s Ed. What’s he doing here?

Pull up to the house. Ed trots over to your vehicle. Ed presses his nose against the window. You reluctantly roll it down.

“Hey-yah there friend. Greetings!”

Turn away from him. “What are you doing Ed?”

“I’m coming with your group!” Ed shuffles back to the porch and grabs his stuff. Josiah walks over to the window. Look at Josiah. Give him the ‘what’s going on’ look. He understands. “Um,” he says, “Ed was looking for a ride but couldn’t find one. His mom called my mom last night, and she said he could take Beth’s place. So Ed’s coming with us.” Josiah keeps his cool. Josiah can’t tell Ed ‘no’. Josiah is too nice. You aren’t nice. You weren’t born nice. Nice is not one of the fruits of the spirit, and if it were, it wouldn’t be in your fruit basket. But you have to be nice because Rachel is along. You boil over the situation as Ed throws his luggage, all packed in plastic Wal-Mart bags, into the back. Every bag of luggage that lands in the back sends a vibration of blood up your spine to your brain. Ed springs in the back, right into the seat behind yours. “Salutations, ladies!” He sits next to Rachel, who has retreated to the middle seat. Josiah gets in the front.

Ed starts talking. He talks about all the flies he swatted. He talks about a tick he found on his dog yesterday. He talks about a crossword puzzle he is having trouble with. He talks about the new Country ring tone on his cell phone. He talks about where he thinks Bin Laden is hiding. He talks about his family’s trip to Belize eight years ago. He talks about how cottage cheese can be made with goat’s milk. He talks about grape chewing gum. He talks and talks and talks. He talks about the goldfish his little brother killed by playing with it in the bath tub. He talks about his new digital camera. He talks about a girl that liked him at CBS last year, but ‘it just didn’t work out.’ He refuses to stop talking.

No one else says anything. After a while, you turn off the A/C and roll down the windows. “Hey,” Ed says. “You mind rolling the windows back up, brother?”

Say: “I think we need some fresh air.” Say: “It is too cold in here.” Say: “What do the rest of you think?” Everyone else is fine with the windows down. The noise helps drown out Ed, but Ed keeps talking.

Look in the rear view mirror. There is Rachel. She’s frowning. She’s looking out the window away from Ed. She’s pressed up against your sister. Her purse is wedged between Ed and her.

Ed reaches into one of his bags and pulls out an atlas. “Were you thinking of taking the 35 to the 50 or the 70 and the 335 to the 50?” You don’t say anything. You wait. You look in the mirror. His ears are still perked up. Say: “Probably the 70.” Ed says, “The 35 might be quicker.” Ignore him. “The 35 might be faster, too.” Ignore him. “My parents always go the 35.” Ignore him. “It might be the best way to go.” Ignore him. Keep ignoring him. He suggests this route and that route. You don’t care if they are all faster. It’s your way, and his way is stupid. You don’t want anything to do with what he promotes.

Call Joe on your cell phone to see where he is. His group is only 15 miles behind yours. You hear girls chatting and laughing in the background. Don’t tell Joe that Ed is with you. Ed starts talking. Joe asks if Ed is with you and if Rachel is along. Hang up on Joe. Say to the group, “Oh, looks like I lost him.” Joe calls back. Pick up. Say ,“Hello? Hello? Hello? Joe, I can’t hear you. Call back later.” Hang up.

Don’t stop to sit down for a meal. Get fast food. Don’t stop at rest stops unless the others need to. Ed announces his need. No one else needs to stop. Skip the next rest area. Say, “Oh whoops, I wasn’t paying attention.” Ed slows down his talking. The next rest area is coming up. Ed reminds you of the need. You start passing a truck and match its speed. “Hello, brother, we need to stop here.” You miss the rest stop. Say: “I couldn’t get over because of the truck.” Say: “You shouldn’t have drunk so much.” Say: “I’ll try to stop at the next one.”

Ed gets silent. Ed doesn’t say anything anymore. He has his legs crossed and is hunched over. The girls start quietly talking to themselves for the first time on the whole trip.

You pass Timothy’s group. Timothy always goes the speed limit. He feels guilty if he breaks the speed limit unless he is running late. He always runs late the last leg of his trips and ends up going 15 to 20 over. Then he has to justify it to himself and to others when he arrives.

Joe catches up with you. He passes you. You pass him. He passes you. You go to pass him, but he cuts you off. You tailgate him. He taps his break lights and you back off. The girls in his back seat turn around and start waving their finger at you.

You haven’t been paying much attention to your surroundings. Check your mirror. Uh-oh, there’s an unmarked cop car coming up on your tail with its lights on. A tingly surge goes through your arms and your thighs feel like vanilla ice cream. You sheepishly pull over to the right lane, but the cop speeds by you and gets on Joe’s tail. Joe, too, pulls over to the right lane, but the cop follows him. Joe pulls onto the shoulder as you whiz by him.

You finally arrive at the church, and Ed tumbles out and goes running for the building before you even stop. The girls get out, unload their things, and go talk to other girls.

After the wedding, your sister says Rachel and she are going back with Timothy’s group. Josiah apologizes and says that Marvin, who drove out alone, wanted some company on the way back, so he’s going with him. Joe says he didn’t get a ticket after all because Beth discovered that she and the cop were second cousins. The cop seemed apologetic that his parents left the Beachy church when they were young marrieds.

Play volleyball that evening. Stand near Ed when numbering off so you don’t have to be on his team. After volleyball, go to your vehicle. Turn off your cell phone. Turn on Hallal. Roll down the windows. Go home.