A reader sent me this song that he wrote about the decline in modesty in the Beachy church. Modesty is an issue that concerns us greatly here at the BAD Complex. In fact, we think it likely that within 5 years Beachy’s may be the only people on earth that are still modest. This song (designed to be sung in beautiful 4 part harmony without instruments) suggests that even Beachy’s aren’t above reproach. Listen carefully and take heed oh thou young scholar:

[This song is geared towards young men: young ladies, please don't let anyone catch you reading this song. It could be embarassing. Don't say we didn't warn you!]

Verse 1:

Now hear, young man,

I’ve a story to share

About some Beachy girls

And what they wear.

These stylish girls

Are nonconformed

To the modest teaching

Of their Sovereign Lord.

Cause there’s fifty ways

To dress all dandy

All stylish, all faddish

A man’s sweet candy.

Yes, fifty ways

I can list outright

There are fifty ways

To tell from sight

That her ways

And her means

And her hair just right

It’s simple to say

She lives today

Her mother’s way

Is no delight.

Chorus:

There are fifty ways

To follow a fad

There are fifty ways

That ain’t half bad.

Verse 2:

Her figure must

Look tight and lean

High waist, low waist,

But not in-between.

The belt is a rope

And a long wagging tail

To lure the eye

Of the unguarded male.

Or forget the belt

For the safest bet

Is to design the waist

Like a mimic corset.

And you must cut back

On every last pleat

Till there’s only two left

To show off your meat.

Chorus:

There are fifty ways

To follow a fad

There are fifty ways

That ain’t half bad.

Verse 3:

The covering is

A fun little game

When it sags and it drags

And shrinks on the dame

Those covering strings

Leave no gratification

So do not rest

Till their eradication.

But bothered yet

She’ll continue to wail

Until she’s allowed

The hanging veil.

The hair’s let loose

The bangs are teased

Left on the face

However you please

Hair puffed up big

And covered very little

Hard to find

That part in the middle.

Then it’s slick, and it’s tight

And it’s yanked down the side

Now it looks

Like a guerilla hide.

Chorus:

There are fifty ways

To follow a fad

There are fifty ways

That ain’t half bad.

Verse 4:

The cape is meant

To conceal and hide

But tighten it up

And she’s deep and wide.

A neckline’s round

For a spherical head

But the woman of taste

Would rather be dead

Than to follow in haste

The modesty flocks

For her head is shaped

Just like a box

Which lends itself

To name brand socks

And dangling from wrists

Fine jewelry clocks.

Chorus:

There are fifty ways

To follow a fad

There are fifty ways

That ain’t half bad.

Verse 5:

The sleeves are short

And puffy at

The shoulder blade

Or is it flat?

Then at the end

The sleeves are slit

Held together

By a decorative clip.

Or the end of sleeves

With the bottoms of dresses

Are layered like cake

In inordinate messes.

Wind up the dress

Wish we had pants

Shiny fabric

For the disco dance

Or patterns, prints,

But the bumps look best,

Back up farther

For the hundred foot test.

Chorus:

There are fifty ways

To follow a fad

There are fifty ways

That ain’t half bad.

Verse 6:

Nails so long

Like vulture talons

Purses so large

Hold thirty gallons.

Pricey lotions

For hands so smooth

Gloss for lips

And you’re in the groove.

Underwear

That’s bought at the store

Four-inch heals

Go clop on the floor.

Pajama tops

Are baby-doll style

A photo op

For the scrapbook file.

Chorus:

There are fifty ways

To follow a fad

There are fifty ways

That ain’t half bad.

Verse 6:

Hot summer days, high Fahrenheit

Yet she insists on the jacket real tight

Aeropostale is a popular brand

Complimented by that sun-baked tan.

Yet on the beach the jacket must go,

And the dress, and the rest,

The church needn’t know

That you’re lying there

In a public place

Sporting skin-tight wear

And running the race

To be the coolest among your peers

There’s a body to show in your youthful years.

Chorus:

There are fifty ways

To follow a fad

There are fifty ways

That ain’t half bad.

Verse 7:

Perfumes and scents

Can snare a man

So load them on

Because you can

Peer pressure’s strong

They tease and dare yah

To powder your cheeks

And add mascara.

Eyebrows are plucked

And legs are shaven

They do this because

It’s what men are cravin’

To have their women

Walk side by side

In their worldly lusts

And the path so wide.

We want them to be

Our poster girl

Don’t look too plain

Or we’ll gag and hurl.

We’re ashamed to be

With women so godly:

“Why dress so plain

And look so oddly?”

Chorus:

There are fifty ways

And now you see

How some girls ignore

First Peter three.

And I’ll tell you how

This came to be

Cause they want to please

Both you and me.

There are fifty ways

To follow a fad

There are fifty ways

That ain’t half bad.

But don’t leave yet,

There’s more in store

I bet you can think of fifty more.