An Explanatory Note:  Since my college library computer system is locking me out of the site…again, I am sending this through E-mail.  I am not sure what the results will be, so if there is something wrong with this post, blame that.

HBB

THE GREAT SALE BARN AND THE LANGUAGE SWAP MEET

And it came to pass after those things, that the descendants of Noah didst spread themselves forth abroad on the earth.  And some of them said to the others, “Let us not spread forth over all the earth, for we are Beachy’s, and like not to live one apart from the other, but rather in one big pile.  And his word was good unto the ears of the other Beachy’s, and they didst have a men’s meeting to discuss where them might have this piling up of themselves.  And at the meeting much discussion was had and many suggestions were made as to where the Beachy’s might pile themselves together, and it came to pass that the first two suggestions were liked best, and the Beachy leaders said, Let us go unto Holmes County, and unto Lancaster, and there let us pile ourselves together, and build fine houses and live good lives.

And this word sounded good unto the Beachy’s, unto they realized that they knew not where those places were, for Beachy’s are not sailors, and Columbus had not yet discovered America, and therefore they had no way to get there.

And the Beachy’s lifted up thier voices and lamented exceedingly, and held more men’s meetings and even an ordination or two, for it looked as those the Beachy’s should surely be forced to spread out over the land, which idea they liked not.

Then one Beachy, whose name has been lost to history, but I think it was Jonas C. Stoltzfus, no wait, I think it was Jonas S. Stoltzfoos…or was he the one who was married to the guy’s sister?  Let me think… Jonas S. married Mose R. Zook, Senior’s oldest daughter Lizzie, whose younger brother was Mose R. Zook, Junior, but everyone called him “Glenny Mose,” and last I heard, Glenny Mose was married to…

Anyhow, we don’t exactly remember who had the idea.  Someone, probably a Stolzfoos, or maybe not, settled in the Land of Shinar, and said unto the other Beachy’s, Behold, here is a vast plain where we may settle, and raise our children and veal calves, and build elaborate houses.

And all the Beachy’s came together unto Shinar, and built them a city, which Beachy’s ought not to do.  And they said one to another, Let us build a massive Sale Barn, and let us hold the First Annual Haiti Relief Sale.  And let us spend exorbitant amounts of money on things with little actual value, that we may have praise of men, and let the proceeds go to a Good Cause.  And this saying did please the Beachy’s, too.  And they built a massive Sale Barn, and it came to pass that as the First Sale began, that the Beachy’s ate good pies, and drank good cider and other things possibly including Welch’s grape juice, and that things began to be out of hand.  For one man as a joke brought forth the English language to be sold.  And the Beachy’s knew not what English was nor yet a language, for all the world spake nothing but good Pennsylvania Dutch.  But the Beachy’s carried away in the spirit of the sale did bid high for the language, for the proceeds went for a Good Cause and upon purchasing it, one man cried out, “Sell it again!”  And verily, before you knew it, half of the people in the Sale Barn were speaking English, and a few Dutch and many others a mixture thereof. 

And thou shouldest have seen the church splits that came about as a result of that.  For verily some dist call a bucket a kivvel, and some didst call it an amer and there was verily a great turmoil, and the Beachy’s didst spread forth upon the face of the earth.  And thus, the sad plans of the Universal Beachy Community fell apart, and the wonderful spirit that brought about the idea can scarcely be seen, except at Fellowship meetings.

HBB