Installment #7 of the Beachy Saga

Now after all those things were accomplished, it came to pass that Lot lived not on the outskirts of Sodom, as he had planned, but rather moved he him into the city itself, which good Beachys ought not to do. (Small towns are all right, yea even desirable, such as Berlin, and Mount Hope, for they promote good Beachy values, like making money off of tourists, but cities are not good, nay not at all.)

And Lot moved into the city, and bought himself a building, and opened a Amish-style restaurant, which he did call the Amish Gate, and he made himself an shameless commercialization of the Amish name, although he himself was not Amish, nay not even a good Beachy, but hey, the Amish name makes good money, and making money is what Beachys do best. And Lot’s business was exceeding prosperous, for no one yet had thought to shamelessly commercialize the Amish and Mennonite name as they have learned to do in these days, and verily there wert no advertisements for Amish and Mennonite goods of every kind, and therefore Lot had an corner on the market, and verily raked in the cash, for he had learned to be an excellent cook from his wife, although she wast not so much Beachy as she was Charity. For she said unto him, Thou must learnst to cook, that thou mayest run the business on thine own, and let me not come near it, but let me be a Keeper at Home. (Which thing was an excuse, for she desired not to be a Keeper at Home, but rather to get out of the kitchen.)

Now it came to pass, that after a time, as Lot began to become more and more involved in the business, that his wife spake unto her neighbors and said, Behold mine husband, how all he knoweth to do is make money, he hath no interest in politics, nay, he knoweth not Nancy Pelosi from Mother Teresa. For Lot’s wife was proud of how Connected she was and how Informed she was and the Political Savvy she had, or thought she did. And Lot’s wife despised him in her heart.

Now I am sure that thou thinkest that no one knows the name of Lot’s wife. Well, thou art wrong, for verily I know her name, yet I fear that if I should tell thee then thou shouldest become upset, for there is surely a Beachy girl somewhere which hath her name, and is a Good Beachy, and should become discouraged at the knowledge, so I shall suffice it to say that Lot’s wife had not a good Beachy name, but rather a worldly one, and thou already knowest that thou canst not expect much from a Beachy with a worldly name.

Moreover, Lot’s wife spake and said unto Lot, I have no time to be at home and fix thee breakfast, nor supper, for verily I have sewings to run to, and children to babysit, and yea, even cell group to attend, for I am becoming more Charity as the days go by.

And Lot lived a sad life, for his wife thought she was better than him and more spiritual besides, for she was convinced that his Born-Again experience wasn’t real, because it was not done according to the method which Ray Comfort had prescribed, whereas just recently she had discovered from her Charity friends that, like most Beachys, she had never been truly Born Again, and now she felt so much more spiritual and righteous than she had ever felt before. What is more, now that she was truly Saved, she realized that Church Standards were unnecessary, for the Christian ought not to live under the Law. And she began to wear jumpers and blouses which were exceeding shekich, and to do away with the head covering with covering strings and to wear a veil instead, and she began to nag Lot to wear suspenders and plaid shirts and a massive bushy beard, and to get a large belt buckle and a camouflage bill cap, and to sell the Amish Gate and buy a tire shop.

And Lot, being wearied of the situation, thought that it might be worthy doing a few of those things, just to have peace. But he put his foot down on the bill cap, and the belt buckle and the tire shop. And one night, as he sat in the gate of the city, he noticed two men coming into town.

Now, since this is a family-friendly blog, for one thing, and a Beachy blog for another, I can’t tell you exactly why Lot invited those two men to his house, instead of letting them sleep on the street. Nor can I tell you about the riot that broke out as a result.

What I can tell you is that Lot and his wife and their two daughters were dragged out of the city at the break of day while the two men, who were actually angels, warned them about the coming destruction of the wicked city.

And it came to pass that the angels warned them saying, Look not back, lest you have serious trouble, yea even die.

And Lot and his family fled away from the city, and there was a great conflagration of fire and the city was consumed in the heat thereof.

And when Lot’s wife realized that the city was on fire, she cried out, But mine radio, whereon I listened to Rush Stolzbaugh, and kept up with politics, and mine VCR whereon I watched movies with Gospel morals, and mine Ray Comfort books, and all my jumpers and blouses are verily going to be burned up, and how then shall I continue to be superior to my husband? And ignoring the angels’ command, for she was used to not Living Under the Law, she turned about for to go unto her house and rescue those things, and in one instant she turned into a pillar of salt, all white, except for the shekich parts where her blouse had been.

And Lot turned not back, but fled on, and hid in a cave, and unfortunately was lost to the Beachy Church, and joined the Swartezentruber Amish, which helps explain some of the things that went on in that cave.

But Abe lived an godly life, and owned a farm, and built houses, and was an good Beachy.

And in latter times, I shall tell thee more of Abe and the story of the Beachys, and all that they did and said, but until then I must bid thee farewell.

HBB