THE FALL OF MAN-BEACHY STYLE

Now the Fall of Man came about on this wise, that after the Lord hadst created the first man and woman and had placed them in the Garden of Eden, and had left them there, that they were so new that they had not yet had time to write standards, nay they find it well nigh impossible, for they had no Grandpa to ask, “How didst thou do things?” Thus they were required to employ Original Thinking, and that, not being a good Beachy’s strong point, resulted in a sad lack of Church Standards. And so it was that Adam and Eve were both entirely without clothes, and knew not that they were immodest, for there were no standards to tell them.

And it came to pass that Eve, desiring an higher education, went forth and spake unto a snake that she mightest learn something of the world around her, and verily the snake told her that she shouldest eat of the fruit which God had said “Thou shouldest not eat of it.” And Eve, who shouldest have been baking a good pie for Adam, and being a Keeper at Home, and an Helpmeet (note usage) unto him, and not seeking after further learning took and ate of the fruit, which wouldst not have happened had a good pie been waiting at home. And she ate and gave to her husband Adam who was hungry after his long day of building houses, and he did eat of it as well. And immediately, they didst realize that they were naked, and Eve didst quickly begin to sew herself clothes, for although she hadst never heard of clothes, Eve was a good Beachy and knew how to sew.

And lo, she sewed Adam an shekich shirt and carpenter pants, and madest him a belt with a six inch buckle, and didst sew herself a jumper and a blouse which passed not the six-foot test.

And the Lord came to speak unto them, and said unto them, “Where art thou?” and they said, “We art here, what dost thou want?” And He said, “Oh, I hardly recognized thee, what hast thou done to thyself?” And they said, “Verily, we saw that we wert immodest, and didst cloth ourselves.” And He said, “Why art thou wearing clothes like that? Thou lookest like a couple of Charity people. Next thing I know thou wilt be changing tires for a living instead of building houses as I commanded thee. And then thou wilt start wearing camoflauge bill caps. This will not do. Thou art Beachy’s. (Note plural form)

And the Lord made Adam good denim jeans, and a buttondown shirt, and He madest Eve a solid cape dress, and an covering which had strings, and He said, “Now get out of the Garden, for thou hast disobeyed, thou shalt be cursed with Original Sin, and it shalt be a long time until thou realizest that that problem can be taken care of too. And the Lord hove them out of the Garden to start the first Beachy church, which consisted only of them and thier children, a tendency which continueth to this day. Thus the Fall of Beachy People came to pass. Or at least would have, if they had been Beachy.

The Holiness Beachy Boy