An English guy from the world asked me, some time back, at a large festival (I wasn’t having any fun, mind you; I was there to be a witness with my non-tshirt and non-worldly pants; that’s the best way for evangelism, you know), that had a lot of Amish people in attendance, what the difference was between my (Beachy) sisters, the Amish, the Holdemans, the (gasp!) BMA’ers, and the (double gasp!) MCUSA’ers. Except, of course, he didn’t know what all the names of these groups (”with different style caps”) were. He also asked why everyone wears a beard. Then this anon commenter mentions the beard too. So I thought I had better address a number of beard-related questions. (Speaking of beard-related things, I’ve seen some Amish that were all beard and all beered, too.)

So, here are the questions:

  • Why do we wear a beard?
  • Why don’t we wear a mustache?
  • Why do married men wear beards and unmarried don’t?
  • When the Bible clearly says that men are to have a beard, is it a coincidence that beard is a homonym with beered and thus we are to have beered bellies (this is the Bible (worldly people who don’t believe the KJV is the only legit translation of the Bible might call it the KJV way) way of saying “beer bellies”; the very fact that it uses a non-modern-grammar way to say “beer belly” gives this theology credence) as a result of our Amish heritage cooking? Is this an indicator as to why non-Beachy’s aren’t as holy as Beachy’s? That they don’t know how to cook and make men with non-alcholic (remember it was only grape juice and the Catholics fabricated the Cana thing) beer bellies?

So those are the questions. Here are the questions again along with the answers:

  • Why do we wear a beard?

    Because Menno Simons did:

  • Why don’t we wear a mustache?

    Because Menno Simons didn’t. (That is, didn’t not wear a mustache.) See above.

  • Why do married men wear beards and unmarried don’t?

    Everyone knows it is the will of God for holy young people to go to CBS, court (not flirty dating!), and then get married and have lots of good little Beachy boys and girls. Not having a beard for the unmarried faciliates that. Not only can young ladies see at a glance who is available (thus introducing greater efficiency to the process: it makes so young ladies don’t waste time flirting with praying about taken young men), but it also appeals to the vainglory of the young ladies in that it purportedly makes the guys look better and thus speeds up the process. On the flip side, why do married men wears beards? It makes them less attractive and helps prevent sin.

  • When the Bible clearly says that men are to have a beard, is it a coincidence that beard is a homonym with beered and thus we are to have “beered bellies” (this is the Bible (worldly people who don’t believe the KJV is the only legit translation of the Bible might call it the KJV way) way of saying “beer bellies”; the very fact that it uses a non-modern-grammar (read: Bible) way to say “beer belly” gives this theology credence) as a result of our Amish heritage cooking? Is this an indicator as to why non-Beachy’s aren’t as holy as Beachy’s? That they don’t know how to cook and make men with non-alcholic (remember it was only grape juice and the Catholics fabricated the Cana thing) beer bellies?

    No. Yes. Yes.