I’ve been thinking, the Beachy’s outta really make some more “guidelines” and “mutual loving suggestions” and so on. If we regulate clothing, we should catch up to the times and do further regulation of technology! I have decided upon the perfect official Beachy laptop: Dell. It’s perfect in so many ways:

  • It burns up! There’s nothing better to do to something newfangled or technological than to burn it! New ways of doing things are intrinsically wrong.
  • This burning also prevents worldly influences on the internets.
  • Burning laptops don’t play DVDs as well as non-burning laptops. This insidious loophole would be automatically closed!
  • Beachy’s take the Bible literally. Now Beachy’s can take the phrase “burning a cd” literally as well.
  • It reminds people of hell and that hell could come at any time. Since Beachy’s are so relevant to today’s seekers of Christ, continued Dell sales (and subsequent explosions) will be sure to explode (pardon the lame pun) the numbers pouring into our churches. (This is sure to have a better effect on membership than allowing shekich shirts… Ach my!)
  • If you have a (hot!) laptop on your lap you’ll be less likely to have a (hot!), erm, something else on your lap.
  • Michael Dell is a Republican, a Jew (why this is good), and a good steward (he’s rich!).
  • Michael Dell doesn’t wear a shekich shirt and he doesn’t part his hair on the side. (Surely the Holy Spirit is working on convicting him of the sin of wearing a non-straightcut suit. In the mean time, don’t let tender, young, impressionable eyes look at his picture.)
  • Dell has shown good Mennonite consistency of practice and is keeping the same traditions over a long period of time: Dell had laptops that caught fire back in 1993 too.
  • Exploding Dell laptops that explode while on male laps eliminate certain… theological problems.