The Beachy Complex

You think the “King of Funk” wrote the Harmonia Sacra.

The primary draw to the public library are the DVDs.

You can make five pies with the amount of fruit it takes to make one pie thanks to the miracle of gelatin-based substitutes.

You are the only Americans concerned that the Amish might not be real Christians.

You think Richard Wagner is a Mennonite teacher at the S.V. Music Camp.

You scorn the feminist who hyphenates her last name with her husband’s but put your maiden name in parentheses before your husband’s.

You’re adamantly convinced that joining the redneck culture is a step up in this world.

The only ounce of sarcasm in your being is in reference to the proof of global warming on chilly days.

You search frantically through the menu at Pizza Hut wondering where the applesauce is.

Your Facebook fan page subscriptions include “Volleyball,” “Miller Barns,” “We Can Find 1,000,000 People Who Don’t Believe in Evolution,” “Erin Wagler Photography,” “Creative Memories,” and “God.”

Your Facebook profile picture looks like Laura Ingalls Wilder at a sorority party.

Your idea of going out on the town Friday night is heading to Wal-Mart with church friends.

You think Miller Lite is an Amish candle business.

CONGRATULATIONS BEACHY COMPLEX! You have reached 100 posts!

Now it came to pass that at the end of the Third Age of the Beachys, that the ancient power that had slept so long began to waken itself and to stretch forth to grasp world in its dark hands. And in the conservative strongholds that lay in the mountains of the South, the Dark Bishop awoke and made ready to send forth his Inquistors into the world, that he might gain power over churches of the land. For the Dark Bishop knew that his time was nigh to make his ascent to the throne of his ancient power.

For it came to pass that the ancient String of Power was rediscovered by Willie Beachy in the caverns of Beachia, where it had been long possessed by a pathetic creature named Gurlum, over whom the String had gained so much power that she withered without it. And Willie had fled those dark caverns with the String of Power, and had used it to make his way unnoticed through the crowds that would otherwise have placed him under the ban. And he had returned to his home church in peace.

Nevertheless, although Willie possessed the String, and though he knew it to be a special item, he had no idea as to its true nature, using it only to make himself blend in with the rest of the conservative population when the need for such arose.

But the time came when Willie parted with his treasure, entrusting it to his nephew, Floyd O. Beachy. And upon a certain day, Ralph, a wise man from the local congregation came for a visit.

Asking to see the String, Ralph cast it into the fire. Floyd O. gasped, for the String had become dear unto him, for when he possessed it, he was seen to be conservative above most.

But the grand Ralph stayed his hand from snatching the string from the fire, saying, “The flames cannot harm it.” And Floyd O. beheld that it was true.

Then Ralph stretched forth his hand and drew the string from the flame. And in the fabric there danced letters of fire, which had been invisible until the flame had brought them forth. And Floyd O. stared at the String and saw the letters, which looked clear and distinct, yet shone forth as though from a great depth. But Floyd O. could not read the letters, for they were written in a strange script which he didn’t recognize, although it looked strangely familiar. He thought maybe he had seen it in his Grandpa’s old German Bible.

“Ralph,” he asked, his voice quavering, “what is the meaning of these strange letters of fire? I cannot read them. What do they say?”

“These words are written in the mode of Luther, in the ancient tongue of Yodor, which I will not pronounce here. In the Common Speech, it reads, “One String to Rule them all, One String to find them, One String to bring them all, and in Formalism bind them, in Yodor, where standards fly.” It is part of an ancient utterance, long known by the Elders. In its entirety, this is the ancient verse,

“Three Strings for outside under the sky,
Seven Strings for them to wear at home,
Nine for the Members in the pews,
One for the Dark Bishop on his throne
In the Land of Yodor, where Standards fly.
One String to rule them all,
One String to find them,
One String to bring them all and in Formalism bind them,
In Yodor, where Standards fly.

And grand Ralph spoke to Floyd O. saying, “This String is the One String. It is one of the Ancient Strings of Power which the Dark Bishop wove in the Mountains of the South. It is the Ruling String, the String that all the other Strings of Power served. By it, the Dark Bishop gained power over the churches of the East, binding them enthralled by his might. And they became shadows under his great powerful shadow. The Ancient Bishops of those Churches became his Inquistors, sent forth to root out liberalism from before his face and to establish him as the Great Power of Alta-Mont.”

Floyd O. shivered at Ralph’s words. “What are we to do? Can we not destroy it? Surely with scissors or shears we could cut it in pieces and ravel it into sheds. Let us do the deed now and break the Power on the Dark Throne!”

Ralph nodded, “Go ahead and try.”

Floyd O. pulled the String from his pocket and gazed at it with a mix of awe and revulsion. He felt its silky texture between his fingers and watched it shimmer in the firelight. He stood for a long moment.

“You see?” Ralph spoke. “You cannot do the deed. The String has its hold upon you, though you have possessed it for only a short while. Nevertheless, no pair of scissors or shears that you possess can so much as cause a snag in that String. It can be unmade only in the Southern Mountains where it was first made. You must take it to the Great Mount of the Loom, where it was first woven in secret by the Dark Bishop and there you might destroy it. But now you must fly from this place, for the String-Ones are abroad and seek the String. Flee to the Running Creek Fellowship church in Shawnee and await me there. I have missions elsewhere. Sell those things that you have and take your flight. I will meet you there.”

And so it was that Floyd O. Beachy made preparations to undertake a long and dangerous journey, which will be continued in the next installment of “The Lord of the Strings.”

Top Five…

Most Welcome Church Phone Hotlines/Relays for Youth

5. The snack location after hospital singing tonight has been changed. Instead of going to Gideon Nislys’, we will be going to Ruby Tuesdays’.

4. Church will be canceled this evening due to sickness/travel conditions/bad weather/good weather/another church 60 miles away having a service.

3. Church will be canceled this morning due to sickness/travel conditions/bad weather/good weather/another church 60 miles away having a service.

2. The school has over-ordered on new footballs, basketballs, baseball bats, and volleyballs. The extras will be sitting in the church entry. Help yourself!

1. Bible study for tonight has been cancelled, and instead there will be volleyball at the gym. Bring fingerfoods.

Least Welcome Church Hotlines/Relays for Youth

5. Effie Bontrager from the neighboring Banana Amish Mennonite church is having knee surgery this week. Please keep her in your prayers.

4. The church will be helping Jeremiah Miller move to the dawdy house. Please be there are 4pm to help.

3. All are welcome to come for tract distribution on Sunday afternoon. We will be leaving at 3:30pm.

2. We are having a visiting preacher in the area on Friday and will be having a service in the evening.

1. We are having a visiting preacher in the area on Friday and will be having a servince in the evening instead of volleyball at the gym.

Miss Calvary Bible School 2010

Rising up to praise the inner beauty of our young ladies

Attention ladies! Who will be our virtuous woman this year? Do you have what it takes to compete in this year’s Calvary Bible School Inner Beauty Pageant? Do you shun the vanities of flirty and flaunty wifey preemies?

If so, please check the “Inner Beauty Pageant Contestant” box on your CBS application next to the Gospel Team auditions checkbox. Contestants will be judged on Proverbs 31 qualities, including:

-Ability to sew with flax and wool
-Delights in feeding hungry Beachy men
-Quilting skills
-Mouth of wisdom, kindness, smiles, and flatteries
-Gabs not endlessly on the phone, eatest not the idle breads of Facebook
-Competitive clean dorm award contestant
-Covering size reaches ear
-Respectful of father and fatherly-figures

The winner will be awarded the Golden Clarion and be personally congratulated by the past three principals of CBS. She will then be flown to the highly competitive 2010 Miss SMBI competition and the 2010 Miss Pinecraft-Beach Amish contest, representing all Beachy kind.

Being Miss Calvary Bible School 2010 has big responsibilities for the year, including appearnces at:
-Storage barn construction business ribbon cutting ceremonies.
-All important bishop ordinantions.
-The annual Beachy Amish Ministers’ Fellowship Meeting, in which you will have a 5 minute speech during the second business session to set at ease those tense, tense men.
-Major choir tour programs
-All three major service units to demonstrate faithful service to our beloved constituency Complex.
-Speech to the US Congress about the state of the Beachy complex in America today.
-A meeting immediately following with President Obama to discuss progress on wiping out poverty and starvation among Beachys.

Please don’t have too much Beachy humility to apply! You may just be that lucky little Miss.

A note to Discerning Beachys:

At long last, the HBB returns to bring the faithful Beachy Complex Community another piece of fine Beachy Literature. Lest anyone think otherwise, this story told in poetic form is a product of the author’s imagination. Although it is told in the first person, this did not happen to me, or anyone I know. Let it be seen as a warning to those who would be “just friends.”

Regards,

HBB

The Maiden

Once my life was looking peachy, here I was a young male Beachy,

Had a girl who was my friend and still I wished for something more,

We sent texts as long as letters and each day things looked still better

Till I thought I’d surely get her, we’d be friends, but so much more.

Then she said the words that shocked me, stunned me to my very core.

“We’ll be friends, but nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember it was early in September

And the church where I’m a member planned a long range choir tour

Eagerly I weighed my choices, while we tuned and trained our voices,

Planned the moment I would make my calling and election sure,

Chose the moment I would speak and hear the answer true and sure.

“We’ll be friends and something more.”

And the rustling of the pages of the song sheets in our folders,

Filled my ears and seemed much louder than they’d ever seemed before,

A heavy weight was on shoulders and my feet both felt like boulders,

As I stood before the maiden on the threshold of the door,

Stood before that wondrous maiden just inside the church house door.

“This is it, there’s no time more.”

Presently, my nerve got stronger, hesitating then no long,

Softly spoke her name and stopped her just before she reached the door.

Then my heart was loudly thumping, flipping, skipping, dancing, bumping

As she stopped and saw me standing just inside the church house door.

She turned and looked and saw me standing, nervous by the open door.

This she saw, and nothing more.

Standing in that silence blinking, long I stood there sweating, thinking,

Hoping hopes my Beachy heart had never dared to hope before,

But the silence was unbroken and her face showed no emotion,

While I only heard the buzzing of the light above the door,

Just the buzzing hum of the fluorescent light above the door.

Merely this and nothing more.

Now the maiden to me turning, eyes cast down with cheeks all burning

Asked me what I wanted, why I’d stopped her just inside the door

Said I, “You knew what the answer to the question that you had was.

Let me tell you that your dad does, for I’ve talked to him before.

Let me ask you now my question,” said I, “then you’ll know for sure,

We’re good friends. Can there be more?”

Here I couldn’t help but stutter, for my heart gave one last shudder,

As I saw the ashen countenance the Beachy maiden wore.

Not a word the maiden uttered, not a syllable she stuttered,

Moments passed, without a sound except the hum above the door,

Nothing but the humming light that hung above the church house door.

Only that, and nothing more.

There I stood in silence guessing, not a syllable expressing

To the maiden whose sad eyes were staring at the church’s floor.

Waiting for the answer coming, while the light kept softly humming,

Humming out a requiem from its high perch above the door

This I heard, and nothing more.

“Maiden,” said I, “I beseech thee! Maiden still , though Lapp or Beachy!

Whether you should answer yea or nay before this church house door,

Bringing joy or bringing sorrow, smiles tonight or tears tomorrow,

While I make my homeward way and pack up for the choir tour.

Will you have me? Will you date me? Tell me, tell me, I implore.

Quoth the maiden, “Nevermore!”

“Maiden,” said I, “I beseech thee! Maiden still, thou fair young Beachy,

Think of all the texts we’ve sent and all the good times gone before!

Tell this boy with heart all broken, give him yet some hopeful token,

That our friendship can continue, growing into something more.”

And the maiden spoke more firmly, “We’ll be friends just like before,

“Only friends and nothing more.”

“Be that then our word of parting,” said I to my car now starting,

“I shall go off on the tour, leaving things just as before,

Please forget the words I’ve spoken, don’t recall the heart you’ve broken,

Leave my loneliness unbroken-Let’s be friends just like before.

I shall go off with the choir singing on the long-range tour,

Just your friend and nothing more.”

When the tour was finally over, I came home still feeling sober,

Realizing that my life was different than it was before.

For I’d finally asked the question, made the life-changing suggestion,

And the answer that came back has changed the world I knew before.

When I asked the fateful question, I had closed the friendship door.

We’re not friends. Not anymore.

Coming soon to a Choice Books rack near you! It’s the book that’s been getting rave reviews and will change the way you think about the Beachy church forever! You won’t want to miss The Shed.

Disillusioned by a church split, John Miller is contemplating joining a Charity church, when he receives a cryptic text message urging him to travel to the storage shed behind the church which he left after the split.

There, in an amazing encounter, John meets the great patriarchs of Beachyism- Conrad Grebel, Menno Simons, and Moses M. Beachy.

Over the course of the afternoon, John Miller learns about what it really means to be a Beachy, and how so many misconceptions and wrong ideas have developed. He learns what Menno Simons really believed about church standards, how Moses Beachy (who goes by the name Mosie) feels about DVD’s and what the actual purpose of covering strings is.

Conrad, Menno and Mosie cover all the hot-button issues from all the member’s meetings you’ve ever attended. Filled with insights and inspiration, this is a must-read that will change your life! You will never look at being Beachy the same way!

And many days passed upon the Beachy Complex, yea, many suns rose and set over its electronic glow, but there was no new post, nay, nothing to make the readers thereof chortle with glee.

Yea, verily, so much time passed that www.birdinhandnews.com was resurrected before the astonished eyes of Beachydom, and the HBB spake in his own heart saying, It is High Time for me to awaken out of Slumber and write an new post that the readers thereof may smile.

So I now present my readers with the story of Beachystiltskin. It is a sanctified Beachy fairy tale, but I won’t pretend that it has a lesson.

Long ago, somewhere in BeachyLand, there was an old Beachy farmer, named Jacob Beiler, who was a conservative man, well-liked by his neighbors, but not as truthful as you might expect from a solid member of the Brotherhood. Not that he was any different from some other Beachy’s that I have personally known.

Now Jacob, or Cheggy, as he was affectionately called by the other members of his church, all of whom were afflicted with severe Dutch accents, had a young daughter named Ruthie.

And Ruthie was about at the age that Beachy girls start thinking seriously about courtship, having just turned 27. Unfortunately for her, her stock had peaked, so to speak, when she was 22. So Ruthie was looking at a long life of VS work, unless something changed for her, and fast.

Fortunately for her, something was about to change.

Old Cheggy with his larger than life story-telling, was about to provide the catalyst for Ruthie’s big chance. In a discussion with one of the neighbors, Cheggy mentioned the fact that Ruthie was an extremely talented seamstress, so much so that she could sew dresses and do alterations on a professional level that would garner upwards of $35 an hour. (The truth was that Ruthie had once done a nice job hemming Cheggy’s overalls.)

You might think that the man to whom Cheggy bragged would have asked, “Then why are you always broke?” But everyone knew that Cheggy was a poor manager, so that went without saying. Instead, Mr. Stolzfus went home to his family and told them that in their church was a Single Girl who was capable of making $25 an hour. (You’ll notice that the figure was slightly lower, because the Stoltzfus family was aware of Cheggy’s exaggeratorial abilities, too.)

Most of the family rolled their eyes, especially Ellie and Lizzie both of whom thought Ruthie was just a bit stuck on herself, but Chozeph, the oldest son listened intently. Ruthie might be a bit past her prime, but with that kind of moneymaking ability…

After spending a little time praying about it, as well as consulting his parents, as mandated by the church standards, Chozeph made his move, calling Cheggy who gladly gave his blessing, and then Ruthie, who was elated with the prospect.

Ruthie and Choe had been dating/courting for about three weeks, when Chozeph brought her a pair of badly torn pants, and asked, “Could you please have these sewn up for me by our date next week?” And Ruthie knew from the tone in his voice that if she couldn’t, there wouldn’t be another date.

And Ruthie went home and cried, because while she was OK at hemming overalls, patching a pair of pants that looked like they had been hacked repeatedly with a machete (which is exactly what Chozeph had done to them) was a little out of her league.

Try as she might, Ruthie knew that there was no way that she could ever make those pants look respectable again. (You might wonder why she didn’t ask her mother for help, but think about it. Her mother knew less about sewing than she did. Why do you think Ruthie was hemming her dad’s overalls instead of his wife?)

Ruthie walked around for the next few days with swollen red eyes, and a sad face, knowing that if she couldn’t find a solution to the dilemma, her courtship with Chozeph was over.

Then, while she was at the fabric store, looking at dress material (all Beachy girls look at dress material, whether they know how to sew or not) a grandmotherly old lady, dressed in reasonably conservative clothes approached her. “Why do you look so sad?” she asked. Ruthie explained that she didn’t know how to sew and that that fact was about to cause her no end of grief.

“I can sew,” said the old lady, “and I’d be happy to help you.”

“Oh, please!” said Ruthie. “I’ll pay any price.”

“Well,” said the lady, “perhaps we can discuss that later. Let’s see those pants that need mending.”

The next evening, Ruthie found herself at the old lady’s house watching in amazement as she flawlessly repaired the horribly mangled pants, stitching and snipping and sewing until they had been restored to almost mint condition.

“Thank you! Thank you!” she gushed, reaching for her purse. “What do I owe you?”

“Only a promise,” said the lady, “next time you run into this problem, please call. I’ll be happy to help you.”

“Oh thank you!!,” Ruthie cried in delight, “Thank you so very much.” And she raced home, eagerly counting down the hours to her next date with Chozeph.

Chozeph was impressed by the fine workmanship on his tattered jeans. He and Ruthie had a wonderful time. But on the next date, it happened again.

This time Chozeph had a whole basket of mending for Ruthie. “Please have these clothes mended for me by our next date,” he said.

Ruthie went straight home and dialed the number the old lady had given her. She told the lady about Chozeph’s latest demand. “Bring the basket over tomorrow,” said the lady. “I’d be happy to help you.”

And the next day found Ruthie at the grandmotherly old lady’s house. Once again, she watched in amazement as the lady quickly and expertly repaired the clothing.

When Ruthie left later that day, the old lady asked her to promise to call her if she ever needed any help.

Chozeph was once again impressed by the high-quality workmanship. He didn’t bring any more mending to Ruthie for several months.

Then, after they had been dating/courting/seeking the Lord’s will in finding a life’s companion for eight months, and just when Ruthie was sure he was planning to propose, Chozeph came driving up the lane in a pick-up truck, loaded with torn clothes.

And Ruthie knew that she was going to have to get all those clothes mended, or start filling out an application for Hillcrest.

And so she dialed the number, which by now she had memorized, and the lady kindly told her to bring them over.

After hours of work, the mending was finished, the lady looked up with a smile. “I’m ready to ask from my promise,” she said.

“Oh, yes,” said Ruthie. “I’ll gladly call you anytime I need help.”

“Oh, no,” said the lady, “I want a different promise this time. You must promise to that when you and Chozeph get married, you will join MY church.”

“I can’t promise that,” Ruthie said, “I won’t.”

“But you already have. Remember? You said that you would promise anything I asked.”

Ruthie was stunned. “And what church is that?” she asked, her voice quavering slightly.

“The Running Water Peaceful Meadow Cold Spring Water of Life Conservative Mennonite Church,” the woman replied. “We meet in the old factory on the edge of town. Services start at 9:30. And now, since it’s getting late, you’ll have to excuse me.”

“Wait!” Ruthie cried. “Is there any other way? Can’t I do something else?”

The woman smiled. “I was once a member of the Beachy church. If you can guess my maiden name before the day of your wedding, I’ll release you from your vow.”

“Is it Miller? Is it Yoder? Is it Slabaugh? Is it Swartzentruber?”

“No. No. It isn’t any of those.”

“Is it Nisley? Is in Nissley? Is it Weaver? Is it Lapp?

“No. No. It’s not those either. You have until the morning of the day of your wedding. Good night.”

Sure enough, Chozeph proposed a few weeks later, and the wedding date was set.

As the day drew nearer, Ruthie frantically searched everywhere she could think of for the lady’s name.

She called the family geneologist, who had family trees dating back to the 1600′s. (Your family has one too)

She bought the Beachy Directory, and looked through entries late into the night and early into the morning.

And each day, she called the lady with a list of guesses.

“Is it Brandt? Is it Epp? Is it Brechbill? Is it Brickman? Is it Klippenstein? Is it Dueck?

“No. No. No. None of those are right! You may as well give up.”

Then, three days before the wedding, Ruthie hit upon a plan. Early in the morning, she left the house carrying a notebook and a pair of binoculars. She found a good vantage point across from the lady’s house and waited.

When the old lady left her house, Ruthie jotted down her license plate number. When the mailman came, she waited until he was out of sight, and then ran and opened the mailbox. An envelope inside was addressed to Sylvie Beiler. Ruthie jotted the name in her notebook.

Next, she headed home and logged onto the Internet, and began to search for records with that name. After several hours of work, success!

Sylvie Beiler had once been Sylvia Jackson, attending a Beachy church in Lancaster, PA. Ruthie found the entry in the Beachy Directory. Apparently Sylvie had not been Born and Raised Beachy. No wonder it had been so difficult! Who would have ever guessed a name like Jackson!

Ruthie dialed the number. “Hello, Sylvie!” she said. “Was your maiden name Jackson?”

“You found that on the Internet! You found that on the Internet! It’s the only way you could have known!! The Internet told you! That’s one of the reasons we don’t allow it at our church!” Sylvie was obviously in distress.

“Yes, I found it on the Internet. And just in time too. Our wedding is in three days.” And Ruthie hung up the phone.

Several days later, Chozeph and Ruthie were married and lived happily ever after. At least until Chozeph found out that Ruthie couldn’t sew.

Regards,

HBB

Directions:

Beachy Life is a family game only, not to be played at unsupervised youth activities.

For 2 to 6 Beachys (no Mennonites!)

OBJECT: Collect money and BEACHY LIFE Tiles, and store up the most treasures on earth and heaven by retirement (or semi-retirement, whatever you want to call it).

BEACHY LIFE TILES
Each BEACHY LIFE Tile carries a good deed and a “treasures in heaven” amount which counts toward your total earth and heaven value at the end of the game.

Draw 4 tiles and, without looking at the message on the back, stack them BEACHY LIFE-side-up at Pinecraft Estates (not near the beach, shuffleboard courts preferably). The remaining tiles form the draw pile.

CARDS Separate the cards into 4 decks: Work Cards, Salary Cards, House Deeds, and Memory Verses.

INSURANCE POLICIES & BROTHERLY LOANS Separate the Indoctrination Insurance and Brotherly Loans.

MONEY Choose one player to be the deacon. This player is in charge of all money. The deacon separates the money into piles by denomination, then allocates each player $10,000.

MAXIVANS AND PEGS. Choose a maxivan and fit a people peg into the driver’s seat. All players do the same. When a female player arrives at the wedding space, she must give the driver seat to her husband.

WHAT YOU DO ON A TURN
On your turn, spin the wheel of liberalness, then move the number of spaces on the spinner. Your number represents how “fast” you are moving with church standards. Always move your maxivan forward, in the direction of the arrows. (Just as in real life, you can’t undo standard changes!) If you land on an occupied space, move ahead to the next open space.
Follow the space directions. This ends your turn.

During your turn, you may purchase Indoctrination Insurance to protect you from all sorts of false gospels that you may encounter throughout the game, costing you family members and money. The insurance (aka Brotherhood Aid and Accountability) costs $50,000. You may also purchase memory verses for the cost of one turn to guard against losing focus of the Bible and pursuing impulsive pursuits of self-pleasure. The memory verses are numbered one through nine. Every time a player spins your number, quote the memory verse to save his soul from moving too fast (and collect a $5,000 thank you gift from him).

GETTING STARTED
On your first turn, decide either to start working, or go into Voluntary Service (VS).

VS offers more spiritual leading when it comes time to select a job and salary, but it takes time – and despite monthly allowances, it puts you in debt!

START WORK. If you decide to start a career, place your car on the START WORK space, then do the following:

Draw a Work Card: Have another player fan out the Work Card deck facedown, while you draw 1 card at random. Note: You may not keep a Work Card that says “Spiritual Leading Required.” If you draw one of these cards, draw again!

Draw a Salary Card: Now have the same player fan out the Salary Card deck facedown while you draw 1 card.
Place your Work Card and your Salary Card faceup in front of you. Now spin and move as you would on a regular turn.

START VS. If you decide to go to VS, place your maxivan on the START VS space. Borrow $40,000 from the bank for expensive day-off activities and personal car expenses during the 12-18 months (see BROTHERLY LOANS). Now spin and move as you would on a regular turn.

JOB SEARCH. When you reach the JOB SEARCH space, stop – even if you have moves left. Then do the following:

Choose Your Work Card: Have another player fan out the Work Card deck facedown, while you draw 3 cards at random. Look at the cards, pray, choose any 1 card, then return the other 2 cards to the deck.

Choose Your Salary Card: Now choose your Salary Card the same way (pick 1 card from the 3 cards you draw).
Place your Work Card and your Salary Card faceup in front of you. Now spin and move again.

How much money you earn depends not only on the amount of your salary, but also on how often players land on your Work Spaces (spaces with symbols that match your Work Card). For example, if you’re the Choir Directory, players must pay you whenever they land on the spaces with a star-shaped icon.

Landing on Work Spaces is the “exclusive foreknowledge of the spin.” Therefore, just choose whichever work you feel led to! Be adventurous and try a different leading each time you play!

TILE SPACES
SPACE COLORS. As you move your maxivan, notice the space colors they’re important! Here’s what the colors mean:

Orange Spaces. Most spaces are orange. Whenever you land on an orange space, you must follow the directions.

Blue Spaces. These spaces are optional. Whenever you land on a blue space, follow the directions only if it is your “personal preference.”

Green Spaces. These are PAY DAY spaces. Whenever you land on or pass a PAY DAY space, collect your salary.

Red Spaces. There are 3 of these spaces. Whenever you reach a red space, stop – even if you have moves left. Follow the directions, then spin and move again. Red spaces have special directions which are explained separately.

BEACHY LIFE SPACES. These spaces show pictures of BEACHY LIFE Tiles, and are all about giving a glass of cold water to one in need, or enriching your spiritual ‘journey’ in any number of ways! Take one BEACHY LIFE Tile from the draw pile. If the draw pile has run out, a tile from any church brother or sister.
Do not look at the back of the BEAHCY LIFE Tile. Place it BEACHY LIFE-side-up in front of you.

Special Bishop Rule: Notice that there’s only 1 Work Space for the Bishop. That’s because any opponent caught pushing the standards too quickly (spinning 10) must pay the Bishop $5,000!

If you’re the Bishop, it’s up to you to notice when a player spins 10. If you don’t keep a close watch, the “liberal” gets away with their disobedience. Note: If there’s no Bishop in the church, there’s no penalty for spinning 10.

RETIREMENT
When you reach the RETIRE space, stop – even if you have moves left. Then do the following:

- Repay to the deacon any outstanding brotherly loans.

- If you think you might have the most earthly treasures, place your maxivan on Pinecraft Estates (any number of players may retire there). Otherwise, place your maxivan on the Dawdy House.

- Wherever you decide to retire, wait there until all other players have retired

If you retire at Pinecraft Estates, your BEACHY LIFE tiles are not safe because you pushed the standards too fast during life! If the draw pile has run out, more conservative players may take tiles from you when they land on BEACHY LIFE spaces.

If you retire at the Dawdy House, collect 1 BEACHY LIFE Tile. Your BEACHY LIFE tiles are safe, because you settled down in a respectful way! If the draw pile has run out, players cannot take tiles from you when they land on BEACHY LIFE spaces.

HOW TO WIN
After all players have retired, all players at Pinecraft Estates count their earthly treasures. The richest player takes the 4 BEACHY LIFE Tiles at Pinecraft Estates. NOTE: In case of a tie for richest player, the tying players split the pile (take 2 tiles each).

Now all players turn their LIFE Tiles message-side-up and add up the dollar amounts shown on their tiles. All players then count up their earthly and heavenly, and add the two figures together (BEACHY LIFE Tile value plus cash value). The player with the highest amount wins!

4/16/09: UPDATE: GREAT JUMPING CATFISH! HE’S ACTUALLY GOT THAT VESSEL IN THE AIR! Skeptics predict the ship is using too much fuel and will run out in the near future. We’ve sure got our figners crossed, though. http://www.BirdInHandNews.com/

BirdInHandNews.com has recently broken a new record for relaunching the same web craft 1,000 times! The phenomenal accomplishment astonished hundreds of peevish viewers, who reported that while the craft was indeed relaunched, it once again didn’t leave the ground, only some sputters, cranks, wobbles, cachoos, and a final phht. Launch officials at the Intercourse-based pad reported that if successive launches actually result in the craft leaving the ground, be rest assured that altitudes reached will be mostly of a terrestrial nature, mainly due to the vessel’s lack of fuel and minimal crew. In the event the craft actually reaches higher spheres, officials promise that they will lose the craft for want of a horse.

And now back to your regularly scheduled Beachy Complex!

Note to Discerning Beachys: I have long suspected that the influence of the Beachy church has spread far and wide throughout the ages. Recently, I became more certain of this fact when I found that Columbus attempted to gain funding for his sailing project in France before he attempted and gained it in Spain. Historians are unsure as to exactly why France failed to agree to help Columbus, but I suspect that it was due to Beachy influence, in the form of the famous Men’s Meeting. I suspect that the King of France called a Men’s Meeting to discuss Columbus’s proposal.  From my experience in attending meetings of this nature, I have been able to reconstruct exactly what happened.

 

King (after opening in prayer): Columbus has come to wanting us to fund an expedition of ships so that he can sail west in the hopes of reaching the East. Are there any thoughts from the brotherhood about this idea?

 

(Long Pause)

 

Jacques Cartier: Columbus, why do you consider it necessary to get to the East?

 

Columbus: Whoever can find a good route to the East will be able to make a huge profit through spices, silks and pearls. I believe that I can find a much quicker, faster, easier and better route by sailing West, and going around the world.

 

Archbishop of Notre Dame: So what you are saying is that you think that your idea will create the potential for more convenient trade routes. Why do we need more convenient trade routes? Aren’t the trade routes we have good enough?

 

Columbus: They’re good trade routes, but I think that this route will create faster, better trade routes that will allow France to prosper handsomely as a result.

 

Jean of Normandy: But Columbus, we already have trade routes to the East. For instance, we have the overland route through the Middle East. Why do we need other trade routes?

 

Columbus: Uhhh, because it would be quicker, faster, easier this way?

 

Archbishop of Notre Dame: But Columbus, we’ve always done it this way. If going through the Middle East was good enough for Grandpa’s generation, it ought to be good enough for us.

 

Columbus: But why is it that we can’t just try and see if this way doesn’t work better? If it doesn’t work, we can always try something else, or stay with the old way of doing it.

 

Archbishop of Notre Dame: That’s a problem that I’m beginning to see more and more these days. People just want to try things just to see what will happen. Instead of considering carefully the results of what you do, they just want to see what will happen. If we aren’t careful with this trend, the next thing you know, people are going to start nailing theses on church doors, just to see what will happen. And that’s something that I trust none of us want to see. We already know what will happen if we keep our current trade routes. We will make money at the same rate. The status quo will remain the same. But who knows what will happen if we get new trade routes?

 

Jacques Cartier: That’s another thing that concerns me. Where is this going to lead? That’s the question we need to be asking ourselves. Columbus, just suppose that something unforeseen would happen, let’s say that you’d discover a continent that no one had even known existed, what would you do?

 

Columbus: Well, since I was trying to go to India, I guess I could call it the West Indies.

 

Jacques Cartier: But what if it were inhabited by people? Suppose those people were primitive? Have you thought about that? Where would this thing lead? You don’t know that. Nobody does. So I feel that it’s unwise to do anything further until we know just exactly where it would lead.

 

Columbus: We can’t know everything that’s going to happen until we try it and see. I’m not asking to do anything drastic, like start a bunch of colonies, or enslave large ethnic groups of people and force them to mine gold for us. I only want to sail west in an attempt to get to the East. That’s ALL!

 

Archbishop of Notre Dame: Columbus, I sense that you are not being submissive to the feelings of the brotherhood. What you need to be doing is conforming. Don’t just be thinking about the way you want to see things done. You need to be willing to come under authority. What I want to see in this Kingdom is Leadership. That’s why we have a King in the first place. If he’s not comfortable with this plan, he shouldn’t even be calling a Men’s Meeting. He should just tell you plainly that he and the Queen as a Royal Leadership Team don’t feel clear about letting you go on this expedition. And that should settle it.

 

Bishop of Flanders: That raises another question. Is this something that the King really ought to have the authority to control? If Columbus thinks that he ought to be doing this, why should we have the authority to stop him. I think Columbus has a good idea, I’d be willing to stand behind him. But this issue is bigger than Columbus or his trip. We need to deal with a bigger issue. What exactly is the nature of the King’s authority? Can he just tell Columbus not to go, or should that be left up to Columbus’s individual conscience? I don’t see where the King has the authority to control other people like that.

 

Archbishop of Notre Dame: That isn’t what we want to be seeing in this Kingdom. Columbus, if you want to do something that this Kingdom isn’t comfortable with, why don’t you find some other Kingdom to be part of and get your support from them? We are seeing too much of this type of individualistic attitude in these days. What we need is leadership.

 

Jacques Cartier: Once again, I’m just not comfortable with where this all is going to lead. I think we might be opening a door that we won’t be able to close.

 

Archbishop of Notre Dame: That’s exactly what I’m saying. If we allow this, just this once, is it going to be a common thing to let people just go sailing off in any direction they want to, just because they think it might help develop another trade route. Is this a door we want to be opening? Is this a practice we want to condone? I trust that it isn’t. I feel that Columbus should be willing to submit to whatever the brotherhood decides.

 

Jean of Normandy: I suggest that we give Columbus some time to come up with some more concrete plans of just exactly what it is that he is planning to do on this trip, and come and submit them at the next Men’s Meeting.

 

King: Well, we appreciate everyone’s input this evening. We as a Royal Leadership Team don’t feel clear to make a decision just yet. So, since we haven’t come to a decision, let’s all think about this over the next month, and come back to discuss it at the next Men’s Meeting. That will give Columbus time to do some thinking about exactly what he hopes to achieve. Will that be suitable to you, Columbus?

 

Columbus: On the contrary, I think I’ll just take my idea to Spain.

 

King: (Closes with prayer)

 

(Everyone stands around in little groups with the people they agree with and discusses the proceedings, while glancing balefully at their detractors. After a while, they all go home and discuss it with their wives. Rinse. Repeat.)

 

Legal Notice: The persons portrayed in this post are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is due to the fact that I have attended enough Men’s Meetings to know what I am talking about.

 

Regards,

 

HBB